


And If We're Never Happy?

by TinySammiches



Category: Monsta X (Band), NCT (Band), SEVENTEEN (Band), 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Heavy Angst, I'm okay though, I've been really into my feelings lately, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Suicide, It's okay to feel pain, Jimin is a Sweetheart, M/M, Manic Episode, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, THIS STORY IS TRIGGERING, Wonwoo is kind of an asshat, Working Out My Feelings Through Fic, all the partners are really in love, but it's because he's sad, dont worry, even if it doesn't seem that way sometimes, honestly so is Wonwoo, love yourself, please read at your own risk
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-29
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:48:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 21,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24436126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TinySammiches/pseuds/TinySammiches
Summary: "And what if we can't be, what if we never are?"Jihoon tilted his head to the side, the corners of his lips lifting in a pretend smile, "What do you mean Hyungwon? Never what?"Wonwoo grit his teeth and shook his head, his hands clenched together in his lap. Jimin shifted in his seat exactly four times, his left leg lifted, then his right, then his left, then his right and he tapped his chest, once, twice, three times, then a fourth. Hyungwon scratched the back of his head, his own mouth in a persistent curve, though his eyes watered and his chest heaved as he got the rest of his question out."And what if we're never happy?"
Relationships: Chae Hyungwon/Lee Hoseok | Wonho, Jeon Jungkook/Park Jimin, Jeon Wonwoo/Kim Mingyu
Kudos: 17





	1. Patient Number 675: Jeon Wonwoo

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! 
> 
> First and foremost! I assume or hope that everyone read the tags? If not, please do. This story is heavy. If you are not comfortable reading about things to do with suicide or mental health, then please do not read this work. I can only give so much warning, so please protect yourself before anything else. 
> 
> For anyone still around; please enjoy, and love yourself.

**Date** : December 19, 2019

**Name:** Jeon Wonwoo

**Date of Birth:** July 17, 1996

**Age:** 23

**Gender:** Male

**Approved Visitors** : Kim Mingyu (Fiance), Lee Seokmin (Brother)

**Prescribed Medication:**

Mirtazapine (Antidepressant)

Emazepam (Sleeping Pill)

Doxepine (Sleeping Pill)

Buspirone (Anti Anxiety)

Xanax (Emergency Use Only)

**Admittance Date** : December 12, 2019 

Arrived with and dropped off by fiance and younger brother after an extended stay in Medfield State Hospital after apparent suicide attempt. Referred to Zelda Fitzgerald’s by Dr. Lee Jihoon after psychiatric evaluation. 

Upon admittance, patient refused to eat for three days. Refused therapy for first week. Refused to speak in group therapy for first week. Refused medication in violent manner. Refused to change clothes for first week. Refused supervised shower for first week. 

**Other Notes and Precautions;**

Patient is allowed to wear his glasses without supervision; contacts must be worn in Group Therapy and outside time with other patients. 

Patient is allergic to all types of seafood; diet restrictions are recorded and meal options have been adjusted.

Patient is to be monitored at all times in the following areas: Courtyard (outside/walk time), Group Therapy Rooms, Arts and Crafts Room, Gym. 

Patient is to be searched before returning to his room from the following areas: Courtyard (outside/walk time), Group Therapy Rooms, Arts and Crafts Room, Gym. Anything not approved by the regular rules and regulations should be taken and put back in their normal space. 

Patient ~~i~~ ~~ s permitted to have personal pens  ~~ is not permitted to have any sort of writing or arts and crafts supplies in his room, room checks are to be conducted two times a day.

Patient is allowed photos and personal effects in his room after approval by Dr. Kim Seokjin.

Patient is allowed to bring books from patient lounge area back to his room. 

Patient is NOT allowed:  Shoe laces

Non fitted sheets*

Metal utensils

Pens or pencils (unless supervised)

Belts

Long sleeved shirts

Pins/ Jewelry with sharp backings (earrings)

Patient should be supervised when with other patients, though he tends to keep to himself unless otherwise provoked. 

*Blankets are to be provided at the end of the day at lights out after a sleeping medication has been administered.


	2. Patient 687: Park Jimin

****

**Date:** December 19, 2019

**Name** : Park Jimin

**Date of Birth** : October 13, 1995

**Age :** 24

**Gender** : Male

** Approved Visitors ** : Jeon Jungkook (Significant Other), Park Sungmin (Father), Park Jinha (Mother), Kim Taehyung (Family Friend)

**Prescribed Medication:**

Emazepam (Sleeping Pill)

Doxepine (Sleeping Pill)

Clomipramine (Antidepressant)

Zofrane (Nausea Medication) 

**Admittance Date** **:** December 10, 2019

Admitted himself, arrived with parents and family friend. Dr. Kim Seokjin accepted admittance. 

Has been extremely cooperative from arrival. 

**Other Notes and Precautions:**

Patient must wait one full hour before being allowed to use the restroom after meal time, as opposed to the usual 20 minutes. 

Until further notice, patient may wait until 9 AM to get out of bed, as opposed to the usual 8 AM

Patient is noted to dislike seafood, some meal choices may be altered

Patient is not allowed to keep his toothbrush with his personal belongings. It is to be given to him at the proper time, and he is to be supervised while using it

Patient is to be timed while in the bathroom

Patient it to have his person checked after meal times

Patient is NOT allowed:  Shirts with pockets

Metal Utensils

Hand Sanitizer

Toothbrush

Patient is allowed personal effects upon the approval of Dr. Kim Seokjin


	3. Patient 697: Chae Hyungwon

**Date:** December 19, 2019

**Name** : Chae Hyungwon

**Date of Birth** : January 15, 1994

**Age : ** 25 

**Gender** : Male

**Approved Visitors** : Lee Hoseok (Husband), Lee Minhyuk (Brother in-law), Yoo Kihyun (Family Friend)

Patient wanted it to be known that anyone claiming to be his parents, or his parents, are under NO CIRCUMSTANCE permitted to see him 

**Prescribed Medication:**

PATIENT IS ON A STRICT DETOXIFICATION TREATMENT PLAN

Valium (Emergency use only)

Clonidine (Emergency use only) 

**Admittance Date** **:** December 18, 2019

Patient arrived with husband under order of the court. Assigned to Dr. Kim Seokjin. 

Patient demanded to be allowed to sleep in upon arrival. Denied.

Patient demanded to be allowed to have his own shower time. Denied.

Patient demanded extra pillows. He got one extra pillow.

Patient demanded he be allowed to use the bathroom right after meal times. Denied.

Patient demanded he be allowed to keep personal writing and art tools in his room. Granted under supervision. 

**Other notes and Precautions :**

Patient is to be supervised in the bathroom after meals and during shower time

Patient is not allowed personal guests until after his first two weeks 

When the medications are brought around for other patients, he is to be in his room, therefore; patient is permitted to be late for meal times

Patient is permitted to stay in his room during group leisure time, to be checked on every half hour

Patient is NOT allowed: Toothbrush 

Metal Utensils

Patient is allowed personal effects at the approval of Dr. Kim Seokjin


	4. The Narcissist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! The first official chapter! whoop whoop!   
> First and foremost, I know that this isn't exactly how mental hospitals work. I'm not trying to say that I am an expert or anything on them, but please, suspend your disbelief and they say.  
> I hope you enjoy!

_ And thus, we can’t believe in everything. As human beings, we ache to want to believe, to trust in everything that is told to us; as children and maybe even more so as adults, maybe because our expectations are lower, half our hopes already shattered to pieces. So, if someone were to offer a sparkling plate of what we desire most to believe in, wouldn’t you take it? I know I would… given the opportunity.  _

Hyungwon had only just leaned back in his desk chair, the back of the leather seat reclining slightly, when someone knocked on the door to his office. He had been writing for about four hours now. He would have taken a break earlier, but he knew he wouldn’t have as much time on his hands soon. Soon meaning, after today. He was so wrapped up in his own thoughts that the person knocked again. 

“Wonnie?” 

He couldn’t help the little flutter in his chest. He usually despised people bothering him when he was working. In fact he wasn’t a huge fan of people in general. They were all so drab and boring. Everyone thought they were different, that they weren’t ‘that boy’ or ‘that girl’. That just made everyone the same. People were selfish and cruel and no one cared about anything. People lied to themselves and told themselves they loved their jobs, they loved their lives. No. No they didn’t. Hyungwon had watched people throw their lives into medical school and education, only to be thrust into their jobs, and miss out on their entire lives, just because they thought that they would gain value because they could replace someone’s heart. Someone might look up to those kinds of people, but others could care less. 

Hoseok  _ was  _ different though. Hoseok never left him, never talked down to him, never held him on a pedestal. He treated him normally. And that’s all Hyungwon ever wanted. 

He blinked when the door creaked open. He needed to fix that. Not today. 

Hoseok poked his perfect little head in, his black hair slicked back off his forehead. He was smiling, but not happily. There was something wrong with that, but Hyungwon supposed that Hoseok would miss him. He would miss Hoseok. Desperately. 

Hyungwon let a smile spread on his face. He shook his shaggy hair out of his eyes. He didn’t really need to see the keyboard to write these days. He wondered if he would be away long enough to lose that skill. He hoped not. He tucked his feet under his chair and kicked the floor softly, making himself spin slowly. He knew what Hoseok was getting him for. He didn’t care. “What news, my love?”

Hoseok huffed out a laugh, and Hyungwon’s heart went pitter patter. He made a full circle two times before Hoseok walked towards him and stopped his fun with his hands on his shoulders. Hoseok had strong hands. That, or Hyungwon had weak shoulders. Probably both. He couldn’t remember the last time he had had anything other than coffee and yogurt. Plain vanilla. 

Hyungwon kept the smile on his face, but it felt like his chest was being prised open. It ached into his stomach. Dripping acid. He looked into Hoseok’s pretty, pretty eyes. He vaguely recalled their wedding. That smile was real. Oh, God, it was gorgeous. Hoseok moved his hands to Hyungwon’s neck, his thumbs landing on his cheeks. He stroked there, once… twice, before he pulled Hyungwon forward into his chest. 

Hyungwon was tall enough that his head landed just under Hoseok’s pectoral muscle. There was a reason Hyungwon liked firmer pillows. He thought he felt something wet on his face when Hoseok leaned down and kissed the top of his head. He didn’t want to go. 

He didn’t leave himself much of a choice. 

“We have to go. Officer Suh is here,” Hoseok whispered. 

Hyungwon pulled away, groaning. “It’s not fair that the hot ones are always police officers.” 

Hoseok rolled his eyes and trailed his arms down Hyungwon’s wiry arms to his thin hands. He tugged the taller up, and Hyungwon let himself flop over onto Hoseok’s solid body. Hoseok caught him easily. He always did. “We’re just lucky that he was the one that caught you, and not Sherriff Sooman.” 

Hyungwon snorted. “Sooman hates me for some reason.” 

Hoseok looked to the ceiling like he was thinking. “I’m not sure, but maybe it’s all of the counts of public indecency and intoxication that you always somehow avoided going to jail for.” 

Hyungwon pulled himself up and wandered to his shoes he kept into the corner of his office. “It’s not my fault that Judge Jinyoung is a huge fan of my books. And besides, I only do the hard stuff here. I wouldn’t go to prison for very long for walking around drunk.” 

“You should thank Sangyeon the next time you see him.” Hoseok was ignoring the last part. “He was the one that called Suh personally. And you should thank Suh, too. He fought for you in court to get this sentence.” Hoseok leaned up against the wall. Hoseok always reminded him of the people he had to thank, because Hyungwon forgot that that was a decent thing to do. It made other people feel good. 

Hyungwon rolled his eyes at the wall. “Yeah, I’ll make sure to thank Johnny for sending me away.” He leaned down to tie his shoes. He was slow. 

“You’re not going to prison, Hyungwon.” 

Hyungwon straightened back up. He leaned back against his hands and popped his back. “Might as well be,” he said as he passed by Hoseok to leave the room. He heard Hoseok sigh behind him, but Hoseok didn’t press the matter. 

Hyungwon walked to the front door, his hand on the handle, ready to greet Officer Johnny, when his chest suddenly shuttered. He heard his suitcase being rolled towards him. He heard Hoseok stop just behind him, heard him breathing. He heard his own breathing. He closed his eyes and felt his face get wet again. He visualized his house around him. The eight rooms, the spiral staircase, the dark wood of the floors. The ornate moulding, the cream colored walls, his and his husband’s king size bed. The five blankets that he used and the one that was Hoseok’s. His firm pillows, his own bathroom that he never used because Hoseok usually dragged him into his own. His expensive clothes that he wore just because he could afford it, not that he ever left the house. 

He felt something warm cover his hand on the door knob. “Wonnie?” 

Hyungwon gasped, and sobbed once. His hand tightened on the handle. “I don’t want to go.” 

He wanted Hoseok to blame him, and to tell him that it was his fault he was going in the first place. He didn’t. He never did. 

“You’re sick, Wonnie. You’re in pain, and you try to alleviate it without facing it. This will help.” 

“How do you know?” Hyungwon whispered. He felt a whisper of a kiss on his cheek. 

“It has to.”

Hyungwon took a deep breath, his heart thudding against his ribcage. It has to, it has to, it has to. He let a smile split his face in two. He swung the door open. 

“Johnny, what a pleasant surprise!” Hyungwon called, his arms swinging open. Cold wind shredded through his thin shirt. He decided that he would wear the easiest thing today. A long button down white shirt and black skinny jeans. They were loose on him. He decided not to bring a coat. He wouldn’t be going outside much. But, damn, it was cold today. The police officer gave him a funny look. 

“You knew I was coming, though?” Johnny said. He had his hands tucked into his armpits, and his nose was red and his cheeks raw. Hyungwon was very strict on who he let into his home. Hoseok knew that. 

Hyungwon spun himself around Johnny, avoiding touch and plopped down the steps towards Johnny’s police car. “Yes, but seeing your gorgeous face is always pleasant.” 

Johnny Suh. He liked Johnny, as far as Hyungwon liking people went. 

Johnny and Hoseok rolled their eyes. Hyungwon shivered. “Hoseok calls shotgun,” he called out. He began to pull at the door handle in fast successive tugs. The metal was cold under his hand. 

Johnny sighed and tugged his keys out of his coat pocket. “Are you going to be able to handle yourself in the back for two and a half hours?” 

Hyungwon smiled as Hoseok grabbed his hand from the door handle, a silent plea for him to stop. “Of course, daddy. As long as I can have potty breaks, we’ll be just fine.” Johnny coughed as Hoseok shook his head. 

“You know you’re not allowed to use the restroom from now until we get there. And I have to check your person before you get into the car.” 

Hyungwon’s head flopped back. “I’ve been clean since you picked me up a week ago, Johnny. Do you think I would try to take something while on the way in the back of your precious car?” 

Johnny levelled him with ‘the look’. Hyungwon stomped his foot like a child. “Can’t you just take Hoseok’s word for it? He searched me  _ all  _ over before you got here.” That wasn’t true. He had been writing. 

Johnny sighed and shook his head. “You know I can’t do that.” 

“Okay, okay,” Hyungwon whined, putting his palms flat out facing Johnny. “I’m going to do something that pains me greatly… Please, Johnny? I’m clean.” 

Johnny crossed his arms over his chest. “As much as I like hearing you say please, I can’t not search you.” 

Hyungwon stared at Johnny for a second and then two. “... I’m clean…” he mumbled. He felt Hoseok touch his back. 

“Officer Suh, can’t we work something out like we did with the suitcase?” 

“Yeah, like the- wait, what?” Hyungwon asked, turning to Hoseok. 

“I knew you wouldn’t want anyone but me touching your clothes, so I went through it to show Suh what was in it.” Hoseok answered.

Hyungwon threw his arms in the air. “Don’t I get any privacy?” 

“Unfortunately, you don’t Hyungwon.” Johnny said before walking towards the other, his hands outstretched. 

Hyungwon backed up against the car, as far as he could go. “NO! I DON’T WANT YOU TO TOUCH ME!” 

His scream echoed through the neighborhood. So much for snow absorbing sound. Johnny froze mid step and his eyes swung to Hoseok, who was looking at the ground, his hand had moved to grasp Hyungwon’s hand. Hyungwon’s chest was heaving, and his hand was white with how hard he was gripping Hoseok’s. “Hyungwon… I  _ have to.  _ By court order.” 

Hyungwon’s voice cracked when he stuttered back. “And you follow everything your job or the court tells you?” 

“Yes. I do.” 

Hyungwon groaned to himself and Hoseok gently gripped Hyungwon’s hip, making the tall man face him. They whispered for a second before Hyungwon swallowed and nodded. Hoseok stepped away from Hyungwon, though he kept his hand in his, and nodded to Johnny. “As long as he doesn’t have to let go of my hand, you can search him.”

Johnny looked briefly to the sky as if saying a silent thank you. Hyungwon looked up too. There was no one there. “Okay?” Johnny asked Hyungwon, his hands inches away from the others waist. 

Hyungwon swallowed and nodded. At least Johnny was gentle. The officer’s hands moved quickly around his pockets and his waist. Hyungwon tightened his grip on Hoseok’s hand even further. He knew he was shaking, not from the cold. He felt bile rise in his throat. The hands went down one leg and then the other. Quickly. His eyes darted to Hoseok’s, and Hoseok moved forward until their foreheads touched. The hands went down one arm, then the other. 

“Good. We’re good.” Johnny stepped back, his hands up in a surrender. Hyungwon gasped and closed his eyes for a brief moment. He squeezed Hoseok’s hand one more time before finally letting him go. He smiled.

“Now, can we get a move on? I have an appointment I must keep!” He pulled at the car door again, and this time it opened. 

“You’re the one who was making things difficult.” Johnny muttered, but Hyungwon pretended not to hear, instead sliding into the back of the car. Johnny was clean. He shut the door and winked at the officer. Johnny once again rolled his eyes before coming to the drivers side of the car. Hoseok opened the passenger side of the back door and slid Hyungwon’s suitcase in before going to sit in the passenger seat up front. 

He leaned back and closed his eyes. Johnny listened to classical music. 

Hoseok glanced back at Hyungwon sometime later in the drive, his mouth twitching downward. “He needs this place, Hoseok. This will be good for him.” 

Hoseok looked to Johnny and nodded. “I know. I just hope he accepts the help.” 

“It took Jaehyun a long time to accept the help he needed, but he eventually gave in.” 

Hoseok smiled and elbowed Johnny, who also broke into a smile. “Not long now, right?” 

Johnny looked out the window briefly. “Two more months, and he will be back in my arms, where he belongs.” He smile dimmed. “I’m not going to lie to you Hoseok. It’s hard. Sometimes I thought that I should stop visiting. He looked so… miserable the first few months. But, I kept going because I couldn’t stop, I couldn’t lose hope that he would come back to himself. And slowly, so slowly he did. But not having the person you love right next to you is hard, and draining. I would go to ask him a question sometimes before I remembered that he wasn’t there. But… It’s so worth it to see them smiling again, talking to you again.” He glanced into the rear view mirror. Hyungwon was out cold, his mouth hanging open. “Though, Hyungwon seems to smile more than anything.” 

Hoseok shook his head. “He never smiles.” Johnny was about to question the other man, but upon looking at his face, he didn’t. 

“The first day I saw Jae smiling again, I thought my heart was going to stop. It was like I could breathe again.”

“Do you think that could happen for him?” Hoseok asked. His voice was tiny, so quiet. 

“I think so.” Johnny said with absolute surety. 

Hoseok cracked a smile at him. It was small, but it was something. “And then, who knows, maybe we can go out and eat dinner again like old times.” 

Hoseok sighed and rolled his shoulders. “I’d really like that.”

…

  
  


“876 bottles of beer on the wall, 876 bottles of beeeeeeer,” Hyungwon sang, “take one down, pass it around 877 bottles of beer!” 

He met Johnny’s eyes in the mirror. “Yes, babe, you need from me?” He asked, tilting his head to the side. 

“Why did you skip the first 875 and go straight to 876?” 

Hoseok chuckled and Hyungwon looked at him with wide eyes. “Did you  _ want  _ me to start from the beginning?” 

“Nono! That’s okay! Do what you want!” Johnny rushed to say. 

“Thanks precious, I will.” Hyungwon leaned back in his seat and looked at his nails, but didn’t keep singing. They were almost there. He had slept most of the car ride, and pretended to sleep when the other two had stopped to eat. Hyungwon didn’t think the fast food restaurant they went to would have plain vanilla yogurt. Hoseok had grabbed him a coffee though. It was bad. Hyungwon drank it anyway. 

There was nothing around. There were no buildings, no civilization. The last car he had seen passed them half an hour ago. “Is this place like Alcatraz or something?” 

Johnny laughed and shook his head. His short cut brown hair had become a bit dishevelled on the drive. “If you would believe it, Jaehyung said the same thing on the way in.” 

“Oh, how is our JaeJae?” Hyungwon asked, a small smirk coming to his face. He liked Jaehyun more than Johnny. Jaehyun was real. Even though he tried to hide his crumbling mind for so long, he never bull shitted anyone. He used to be very close friends with Jaehyun, before Jaehyun had to go away. He could never bring himself to visit. He felt like everyone would know that he was supposed to belong there. Hoseok had gone once or twice, but he just… couldn’t. Jaehyun probably didn’t like him anymore. Hyungwon was used to it. 

“He’s good. He’ll be home soon.” 

Hyungwon nodded. He was happy for Jaehyun he supposed. Anything was probably better than the last time he’s seen Jaehyun. Mental breakdowns didn’t suit Jaehyun. He had a pretty face. “Maybe I’ll get to say hi.” 

It was fifteen more minutes before they pulled into a driveway marked with a small sign that read “Zelda Fitzgerald’s Mental Institution”. Hyungwon took in a steadying breath. 

The Institution was actually quite pretty. It looked more like a mansion than anything else. It was red brick and bright, with a gorgeous sign and pristine lawn. Hyungwon unclipped his seatbelt and slipped out of the car. Two thin men stood outside the front door, both wearing white scrubs. One of them wore circle rimmed glasses and the other had a lanyard around his neck covered in smiley faces, with a nametag that said ‘My name’s microsoft, can I crash at your place tonight?’ hanging from it. Johnny smiled and waved at the two. “That’s Minghao and Junhui. They are some of the nurses here. They are going to take your stuff to your room, if that’s okay with you?” 

The two men were already heading over. Hyungwon eyed his suitcase. “Do I really have much of a choice?” 

“Um… not really.” Johnny conceded. The three men walked towards the building to meet up with the other two. They met on the wrap around porch of the institute. The shorter one put his hand out to Hyungwon.

“Hello! I’m Minghao, I’m going to be your attending nurse while you’re here.” 

Hyungwon only stared at the other man’s hand. He smiled. “I’m Hyungwon. You’re not going to like me very much, I’m afraid.” Minghao curled his hand back up before gesturing to the other, who Hyungwon assumed was Junhui. 

“This is Jun. He’s in training, so be gentle with him.” Jun smiled. It was bright and sweet. Full. Hyungwon raised an eyebrow. 

“I don’t do gentle.” He brushed past the two nurses to get inside. He was cold. Minghao shot his hand out to grab Hyungwon’s shoulder before Hoseok could stop him. The hand had barely made contact before Hyungwon whipped around and shouted at the poor nurse. 

“Don’t touch me!” 

Minghao didn’t seem phased though. He took his hand back and nodded. “Alright, noted. Let’s get inside and sign you in.” He walked right past Hyungwon like nothing happened, Jun following behind, still smiling, Hyungwon’s suitcase rolling behind him. Hoseok grabbed Hyungwon’s hand and squeezed it before pulling Hyungwon towards the door. 

After they entered the institute, they made a sharp left turn to what looked like a remodeled family room. The walls were brown and warm. There were comfortable looking chairs lined up against the wall, facing a large cherrywood desk. A medium height man sat behind it, typing furiously on the computer. He had a baby face and brown curly hair. Minghao knocked against the desk to get the other man’s attention, only to get an index finger held up in his face. Hyungwon’s mouth twitched. He might like this receptionist. Minghao rolled his eyes. 

“Seungkwan, please, we want to get him in before dinner.” Minghao drawled. He had an interesting inflection. It went up and down like waves. 

“Great, that’s great for you Minghao, but I would like to be done with this paper work before I die, so.” Minghao gave a weary glance to Hyungwon like he expected the taller to defenestrate himself right then and there. 

“Kwan, you know you’re not supposed to make those kinds of jokes, and Dr. Kim is waiting on him.” 

“Dr. Kim is also waiting for Joonie to finally notice his terrible flirting, so I guess we’re all just gonna have to wait until. I’m. Done.” Minghao flung his arms in the air and sighed. 

Jun stepped forward. “I could just call Vernon to tell him about  _ your _ crush Seungkwan?” 

Suddenly, Seungkwan swung himself forward. “What can I do for you?” 

“We just need him to get signed in and to Dr. Kim.” Minghao sighed, exasperated. 

“Excellent!” Seungkwan turned back to the computer and clicked around for a few seconds. 

“I hate to interrupt, but it’s still visiting time, right?” Johnny asked, already heading towards a door to the left. Seungkwan didn’t even look up as he pressed a button under the desk, a loud buzzing sound erupting from the door. “I’ll sign in and out when I leave.” The receptionist only waved him off. Jun followed behind Johnny, Hyungwon’s suitcase disappearing with the police officer. 

“Alright, name?” Seungkwan asked, glancing at Hyungwon. 

“Chae Hyungwon.” They went through the usual questions. Date of birth, marital status and all that. 

“Alrighty. I have everything else I already need for you from the court. No visitation from anyone for two weeks, and no medication. Do you have any requests that you would like to ask for? It’s pretty limited, but we might be able to accommodate something. I’m assuming you read the rules and everything else you were given?” Seungkwan asked, folding his hands in front of him. 

Hyungwon nodded. He had a few complaints, and requests. “I would like my visitation to be limited to my list, and my list only. I don’t want anyone claiming to be my parents or my parents allowed to see me. Under any circumstance.” 

The smaller man nodded, typing out the note. 

“Now, onto more pressing matters. Can I sleep in later than 8 AM?” 

“No.” Seungkwan typed his notes. 

“Can I at least have one more pillow?” 

“Granted.” Typing.

“Can I have my writing stuff brought to me?” 

“We’ll have to discuss that one with Dr. Kim. I understand it’s your job, but if it’s an unhealthy coping mechanism, then maybe not.” Minghao answered. Hyungwon grit his teeth but nodded. He heard Seungkwan typing. 

“I want to use the bathroom right after meal times.” 

“Denied.” 

“Please let me shower by myself…” he mumbled. He knew the rules were strict, but damn. This was ludicrous. 

Minghao answered again. “You can’t for the first few weeks. We have to make sure you’re not a risk to yourself first. It’s a completely enclosed space, and we’ll only enter in case of emergency.” 

Hyungwon clenched his fist, but let it go. He kept reminding himself that it was his own fault he was here, but something in his brain was still refusing to admit it. He was about to open his mouth again when the door on the left slammed open and two men came barreling out. 

“I’m sure he’ll talk to you soon, Mingyu, you just have to give him time,” the shorter of the two said to the other. 

“No, he won’t Seokmin! He hates me now, and I deserve it. I’m such a fucking idiot, I shouldn’t have brought him here in the first place.” 

The two men kept walking throught the reception area, completely unaware of the other men in the room. Their conversation faded out as they left the building. Seungkwan coughed and brought the attention back to himself. 

“Everything is all set then? Good!” Maybe Hyungwon wasn’t going to like Seungkwan. “Whenever you’re ready, you can head through that door on your left and Minghao will take you to Dr. Kim’s office.” With that he turned back to his computer and continued his furious typing from earlier. 

Minghao glanced to Hyungwon, and Hyungwon realized that it was finally time to say goodbye. He smiled and looked to Hoseok. He didn’t smile back. Why didn’t he smile back? 

“I’ll see you in two weeks, right?” Hyungwon asked, putting his hand on Hoseok’s face. “You’re pretty.” 

Hoseok laughed with no humor. Hyungwon hated it. “You’re not too bad looking yourself.” Hoseok swallowed and Hyungwon wiped the tear that left Hoseok’s eye. “I’ll come every week okay?” 

Hyungwon nodded. “Sure. Don’t strain yourself too much though. It’s a long drive.” 

Hoseok pulled Hyungwon into himself. “I’ll come every week. Okay?” Hyungwon was frozen for only a second before he wrapped his thin arms around Hoseok’s shoulders. He breathed in Hoseok’s wonderful scent, and he couldn’t believe it. His face was wet again. He pulled away and smiled. 

“I love you more and more every second of every day.” He muttered. Hoseok put his hands on Hyungwon’s face. 

“I am so in love with you.” They both leaned in and their lips met softly and briefly. Hyungwon wasn’t much for public affection. Hoseok knew that. 

They finally separated and Hyungwon looked to Minghao. “Alright… lock me up…” 

The buzzer sounded and Hyungwon followed Minghao behind the door. When Hyungwon turned around, Hoseok was already gone. He was probably hoping the cold would stop him from completely breaking down. Hopefully Johnny will be done soon. Then they could go home. Hyungwon wiped his face. 

“It’s okay to cry,” Minghao uttered. 

Hyungwon smiled. “I don’t cry.” 

…

They passed many rooms on their way to this Dr. Kim’s office. Some of the rooms had names on them and some didn’t. The hallway was white. How boring. “These are either storage or offices. The patients rooms and therapy rooms are further in.” Hyungwon hummed like he was listening. They stopped next to a door and Minghao knocked. The door was bright pink with the name Kim Seokjin plastered in bubble letters on it. “Dr. Kim likes to keep himself inviting. Psychiatrists tend to be a little intimidating.” Minghao explained. Hyungwon didn’t care. 

The door swung open and a man on the taller side answered. He had black, fluffy hair and a doctor’s coat over a pink button up. “Ah, Minghao, welcome welcome.” He glanced at Hyungwon. “You must be our new patient. Hyungwon, is it?” 

Hyungwon nodded once. “Please, come in.” Hyungwon brushed past the doctor. “Hao, if you would be so kind as to check on Wonwoo? His visitation didn’t go well.” After that, Dr. Kim shut the door softly behind him. 

“My name is Dr. Kim Seokjin. You can call me Dr. Kim, or Jin, whichever you prefer.” The doctor came to sit in front of Hyungwon. “Tell me a bit about yourself.” 

Hyungwon quirked an eyebrow. “I thought you got a court file on me.” 

Jin nodded. “Yes, I did. Public indecency and drug dependence. Which reminds me, we are going to need you to pee in a cup after this.” 

Hyungwon sat back in his seat. It was kind of stiff. “I wouldn’t call it indecency... “ 

Jin smiled and tilted his head. “You tried to go into a store completely naked, and drunk off your rocker. And your plea to the judge was that you were dared to.”

“Well, yes, but I distinctly remember people devouring me with their eyes. They seem to have liked what they saw, so can we really call that indecent?” 

“That’s besides the point. You’re lucky you already had a diagnosis from our very own Dr. Jihoon. Without that and Officer Suh’s help, you would have been locked up.” 

Hyungwon waved his hand. “So people keep telling me.” 

Dr. Kim looked at Hyungwon for a moment before leaning back in his chair. “Narcissistic Personality Disorder, huh? Not a very common disorder.” 

Hyungwon grit his teeth. “I was always told I was special.”

_ My special little Hyungwonnie. _

There was another silence. “You’re a writer?” 

Hyungwon relaxed infinitesimally. “Yepp. I have written three books, with a fourth on the way. Which is why I need my writing things.” 

Jin steepled his fingers. “While I looked through your files, it  _ does  _ seem like you had long breaks in distasteful behavior when you were about to complete a book.” Hyungwon looked at Jin wearily. “We can see how having your stuff helps. Any funny business and it gets revoked, understand?” 

Hyungwon smashed his teeth together. “Don’t talk to me like I’m a child. I understand.” 

Dr. Kim’s mouth twitched. “Of course. I apologize.” Hyungwon only scoffed in response. 

Jin glanced at his watch. “Oh, would you look at the time. It’s time for dinner. Let me page Minghao and he will escort you to the cafeteria after you take your drug test, and then you’ll be given your schedule.” They both stood and Jin walked him to the door. Minghao was somehow already there. Hyungwon narrowed his eyes at Jin. He already didn’t like this man. 

“Welcome to Zelda Fitzgerald, Hyungwon.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed! Please let me know what you thought!


	5. The Compulsive

It was cold. He should probably put some clothes on, but that was a harrowing process in and of itself, so he decided to keep doing what he was doing; stare out the window and feel the sun on his skin. He wasn’t thinking about much, which was nice. He thought too much too much of the time. He thought about the peach colored blanket around his hips, about the tattooed arm hidden below it, pulling at him slightly. He thought about the snow outside. He thought about his cream colored walls and his white curtains. He should tell him.

The arm that was secured around him moved, and the man next to him let out a breath.

“Jimin?” His voice was groggy and used up. 

Jimin smiled and reached over to thread his fingers through the dark, tousled hair. He reached his other hand and tapped his chest four times, otherwise he would break his leg when he stood up. His hands stung, and his skin cracked, but he was okay. He looked back to the window. He felt his hand being taken ever so gently. “What are you thinking about?” 

“Hmmm…” Jimin hummed. “Not much. The snow outside.” He looked back over to the other man, “You, Jungkook.” He felt a flutter of guilt in his chest. He should tell him. 

Jungkook’s smile was cute and soft. “Me?” Jungkook’s fingers intertwined with his own, but he avoided touching the tops of Jimin’s hands. Jimin reached up and scratched his neck, his fingers working up and down four times each, or Jungkook would get his arm stuck in the elevator at his work. Jimin giggled and nodded, again, four times. 

Jimin leaned down and softly kissed Jungkook’s lips. When he tried to lean back, Jungkook leaned forward, making the kiss last longer. It made Jimin’s chest warm. “Do you want to take a shower?” Jungkook asked, his mouth still close to Jimin’s, his gooey brown eyes staring into Jimin’s bright hazle. He should tell him. 

Jimin kissed Jungkook’s nose. “Yeah, you stink.” 

Jungkook laughed and pushed him away gently. Jimin sighed and watched as Jungkook got up, safe and sound. Jungkook immediately tucked and folded his side of the blanket under the mattress before smoothing his hands over it to make it perfect. Jimin’s eyes darted to the bathroom door, securely closed up. “Can you…?” Jungkook glanced to the door, but smiled and nodded. 

“Of course. Give me a second.” 

Jungkook grabbed a black sheet that was folded neatly next to the door in a small armchair. Jimin tapped his chest one, two, three, four. He didn’t want his boyfriend to slice his hand open on the mirror. Once Jungkook had gone into the bathroom and closed the door, Jimin sighed and stood up from his bed, then sat down, then stood up, then sat down, then stood up. He had an errant thought. At least he never had to do squats with how much he stood and sat. He turned and carefully tucked his blanket under his mattress and smoothed it out, his hands throbbing a bit. He should tell him. He fluffed all of his pillows four times each and smoothed out the blanket again.

‘ _ Will Jungkook make the bed while I’m gone?’ _

_ ‘It doesn't matter, I’m not sleeping in it.’  _

_ ‘It matters, because if he doesn’t, he could trip on the blankets and break his head open.’ _

_ ‘I should ask my mom to make sure he makes the bed.’ _

He sighed to himself again before going to his drawer and sliding it open, then closed, then open, then closed, then open. He sifted through his underwear for a moment. He glanced at the bathroom door. He wanted to get his outfit before Jungkook came back. His drawers were a little empty, and he didn’t want the other to see. He would have to check his suitcase again to make sure he had everything. He should tell him.

_ ‘Did I grab everything I need?’ _

_ ‘Are they gonna check the bag when I get there?’ _

_ ‘Am I breaking any rules already?’ _

_ ‘What if I forgot something important, then I will never see it again and I will absolutely die.’  _

He closed the drawer, opened it, closed it, opened it and closed it before repeating the process to the drawer below that. He chose a comfy white t-shirt. Close, open, close, open, close. 

Open, close, open, close, open. He chose some light washed jeans and some fluffy peachy socks. Close, open, close, open, close. He went to his closet. He slid the door open and bounced it between his hands four times. He was scolded once because the door was too loud to be opened and closed too much. He was proud to say that he only had a minor breakdown before his mother came up with a compromise. It was good for her, because if Jimin did nothing, she would get into a car accident on her way to work. It wasn’t as good as opening and closing it all the way, but it was something. He moved on, and grabbed the first cardigan his tingling hand made contact with. A nice peach colored fluffy one with orange stripes. When he wore it, it ended just past his calves and it covered his hands almost completely. He leaned down and grabbed his white converse. He turned and laid his clothes on the bed before turning back around and bouncing the door four times before letting it close gently. 

_ ‘Was that too loud?’ _

_ ‘Maybe bouncing it is still too much.’ _

_ ‘I need to though, or all of my clothes will get dust moths and moldy.’ _

_ ‘Just open and close it all the way. She’ll be extra safe. She’ll yell at me again.’ _

  
  


As soon as he had finished, Jungkook opened the bathroom door. The shower had already been turned on and steam billowed softly out of the bathroom into Jimin’s room. “I grabbed the towels already and put the sheet up.” Jungkook stretched his arm out to Jimin. He should tell him. He tapped his chest four times. 

Jimin smiled and took Jungkook’s hand and swept his hand in the bed’s general direction. “I got my clothes all ready really fast today, didn’t I?” 

Jungkook glanced to the bed and nodded his head. “Yes, you did!” He pulled Jimin flush against him, making Jimin blush. They had managed to put boxers on after last night’s activities, but feeling Jungkook’s skin against his own was always thrilling. Jungkook tapped Jimin’s chin, and the shorter one met the taller’s eyes. They were so warm. “You did well, Lovely.” Jungkook kissed the other softly, and Jimin ignored the guilt nipping his heart, and gave into the kiss. This one was a little messier than the last. Jimin hummed into it, and Jungkook slipped his tongue against Jimin’s bottom lip for only a moment before pulling back. Jungkook stared at him for a second before pulling Jimin into the bathroom. Jimin went to close the door, but Jungkook did it instead. He smiled at him. 

Jungkook swept him past the covered mirror and towards the shower. Before they got in, he slipped off his boxers, unabashed. Jimin whistled appreciatively, and Jungkook snorted. He turned to Jimin and helped him step out of his. When your hands are as dry and sliced up as Jimin’s, getting clothes on and off was miserable. Showers weren’t that great either, but Jungkook was with him, so he should be able to get in and out pretty much unscathed. 

Jungkook grabbed both of Jimin’s hands in his own and led him into the shower. He managed to maneuver Jimin’s arms under the water stream, but avoided getting the hot water on his hands. He spun the shorter man around and Jimin tapped the wall in front of him four times before leaning his hands against it. He heard Jungkook move behind him, a bottle of soap squirt. “Are you okay, Kookie?” Jimin asked. Jungkook laughed softly. He should tell him.

“Yes, Lovely.” 

Jungkook’s large, warm hands moved up and down Jimin’s body. They started at his shoulders, where his thumbs rub slow circles into his stiff neck and back muscles before they slipped down his back, making more small circles the whole way to his hips, where they spend a little bit longer. Jimin jolts a bit when Jungkook hits a tender spot. He reaches for his chest and taps it four times before going back to the wall, tapping it before he places it there. The water stung his hand, but he didn’t really care. “Sorry Lovely,” Jungkook murmured. Jimin shrugged him off. 

Jungkook’s hands moved further down over his bottom and down his legs. Jimin smiled when Jungkook started to hum. When he was done with his back, Jungkook tapped Jimin’s shoulder so that the other man would turn around, which he did. He glanced down quickly, because why not, and smirked. “Really, Kookie? Last night wasn’t enough for you?”

Jungkook shrugged and squirted more soap into his hands and rubbed them together. “What can I say, Jiminie? I’m a simple man with simple needs.” 

Jimin looked away. “You don’t  _ need  _ me, Kook.” He said softly. 

Jungkook put his hands on Jimin’s throat, the soaps suds making pleasant popping noises. Jimin didn’t have much of a choice than to look back to Jungkook. Jungkook didn’t say anything. He only leaned forward and kissed the top of Jimin’s head. Jungkook never spoke much, even when they were little. When he pulled back, he continued to wash Jimin’s body. His touch was so much gentler than Jimin’s would have been, but Jimin felt clean just the same. Jungkook’s touch did that to him. He should tell him. 

Once Jungkook was finished meticulously cleaning Jimin off, he took three seconds to wash himself off before turning to the faucet and turning the heat down. Not enough to be freezing, but enough to not be blazing hot. He cradled Jimin’s left hand in his own before letting it slip into the stream. It stung for a second or two, but not so bad. He spread some moisturizing body wash over it before gently rubbing it in. It made Jimin’s red hands scream, but he didn’t say anything. He could wash it off later. Jungkook repeated the process to the other hand, and Jimin’s hands throbbed and burned. He tapped his chest four times. After they stepped out of the shower, and Jimin had touched the knob four times to make sure it was off, or his whole house would flood, Jungkook wrapped him in a clean, white towel. Jungkook wrapped another towel around his waist and gestured for Jimin to lead the way out of the small bathroom. Jimin touched the door knob, glanced at Jungkook, swallowed, and let go of the knob. Jungkook’s mouth twitched but he only waited. Jimin tapped the door knob three more times before he was finally able to open the door. 

_ ‘Just open the door. It’s your room on the other side.’ _

_ ‘You’re wasting Jungkook’s time.’ _

_ ‘The door might open up and nothing will be there.’ _

_ ‘Check it. Check it, Check it. Check it.’ _

The cool air from the bedroom blasted him in the face and made him shiver. We went over to his clothes. He scrubbed himself with the towel to dry himself off, and he would have continued to do so if Jungkook hadn’t gently taken the towel from him. He was about to protest, but Jungkook just smiled at him and Jimin bit his lip. He tapped his chest four times. He should tell him.

Jimin first put on his socks, then his pants, then his shirt, then his cardigan. The cuts in his hands pulled and stuck on the fluffy fibers of the sweater, but Jimin ignored it. Jungkook had already finished, his gorgeous body covered with his work uniform; a black polo and slacks. Jimin giggled. “You need to brush your hair.” 

Jungkook smirked and once again stretched out his hand to Jimin. “I will, after I take care of you.” 

Jimin felt a different kind of guilt ping around in his chest. Jungkook always had to take care of him. He was useless, useless, useless- “Come on, Lovely. I think I can hear your mom making breakfast downstairs.” 

Jimin nodded and took Jungkook’s hand. Jungkook sat him down on the little armchair before walking back into the bathroom for a moment. Jimin swung his legs back and forth for a second before Jungkook came back, his arms full of bandages and neosporin. Jimin smiled weakly at Jungkook. He was too good to him. He wasn’t worth it. 

Jungkook kneeled in front of Jimin and took his hand and squeezed a small bit of the neosporin onto it. It stung for a split second before it soothed the throbbing Jimin had been feeling. He rubbed the medicine in before sticking a large bandaid over the top of his hand. It pretty much covered the entire thing. He again, repeated the process on the other hand, never saying a word, and never dropping his gentle smile. When he was finished he smiled up at Jimin. 

“I love you, Jimin.” 

Jimin leaned down and kissed Jungkook slowly. “I love you,” he whispered against Jungkook’s mouth. Jungkook reached his hand up and carded it through Jimin’s peach colored hair, and Jimin felt warmth bloom in his chest. 

“Booooys?!” 

Jimin grinned and pulled away from Jungkook, and looked at the door. His mother’s loud voice reverberated up the stairs once again. “Breakfast is ready! No more funny business, it’s waffle day!” 

Jungkook’s eyes lit up. “Oooh, waffles!” He broke away from Jimin and practically sprinted out of the room and down the stairs. Jimin rolled his eyes and stood up, and sat down, and stood, and sat, and stood. He fixed his cardigan and then went to leave his room. He left once he checked to make sure the light was off four times. He wouldn’t want the house to catch fire if he left the lights on for too long. 

‘ _ That’s stupid, Jimin, lightbulbs can’t get that hot…’  _

‘ _ But they would if I left them on for as long as I’m going to be gone. I won’t be coming back up here after today, and what if I forget later?”  _

‘ _ Check it one more time, one more time, one more time, one more time.’ _

_ ‘Why can’t I do anything normally?’ _

“Jiminah?!” His mother called from the base of the stairs. She wasn’t very patient. 

“Coming mama!” he called. He tapped his chest four times and left the room. He tapped the doorknob four times before he made his way to the stairs in four big steps. 

_ ‘If I was born any shorter than I already am, this would be a problem.’ _

‘ _ Maybe I would do things in fives? No, maybe I would just leap four jumps’ _

‘ _ That’s stupid Jimin, I’m stupid.’ _

_ ‘Jungkook didn’t brush his hair.’ _

He tapped the handrail of the stairs four times before he began to walk slowly down the stairs. He would put both feet on the stairs before he would go down to the next one. 

‘ _ One.’ _

‘ _ Two.’ _

_ ‘Three.’ _

_ ‘Skip the fourth.’’ _

_ ‘Five.’ _

_ ‘Six.’  _

_ ‘Seven.’  _

_ ‘Skip the eighth.’ _

He landed on the ground with a soft thump after leaping over the last stair. He tapped the handrail four times before going to the kitchen, his eyes never leaving the ground. He had to make sure he didn’t step on the wrong floor tiles or his father wouldn’t wake up. He made it into the kitchen, where his mother greeted him with a warm hug. 

“Hi mama,” Jimin said. The woman leaned back and inspected Jimin’s outfit. 

“You look absolutely adorable, baby!” 

_ ‘The shirt is too tight, you can see my fat rolls.’ _

_ ‘The cardigan makes me look fat.’ _

_ ‘I look stupid in skinny jeans.’ _

_ ‘I like my converse.’ _

“Thank you mama. I got them ready really fast today.” 

The woman smiled up at her son and pinched his cheeks. “I’m proud. Now!” Jimin flinched a bit at the volume of her voice. “How many waffles do you want?” 

Jimin tried to wave her off as he went to the table to sit next to Jungkook, who was already two waffles deep into waffle day. He ate his waffles with all the fixings. Whipped cream, chocolate chips, syrup, the works. Jimin thought they looked really tasty, but he didn’t think he needed it. “Just coffee would be good.” 

‘ _ You shouldn’t drink coffee.’ _

_ ‘It had calories too.’ _

_ ‘Maybe we can try some of Jungkook’s?’ _

_ ‘You ate too much yesterday.’ _

“Three it is!” his mother said excitedly before plopping the massive fluffy waffles onto a plate that was way too small. “And I know how much you love eggs!” The woman scooped two heaping spoonfuls of scrambled eggs onto whatever room was left on the plate before she placed it in front of Jimin. 

Jimin put his hand on his stomach as it growled. He did want to eat the food, he really, really did. He grabbed his fork and he was about to go for it before his father came into the room. He felt Jungkook tense a little next to him, and the dark haired boy sat up straighter. His father surveyed the room for a second, glancing at Jimin’s plate of food. “That’s a lot of food Jimin. Maybe that’s why you’re always too tired to go on walks with me?” His father laughed as he went to grab a plate of his own food. He grabbed four waffles and three spoonfuls of eggs. 

_ ‘He’s right.’ _

_ ‘You eat too much, so you’re tired.’ _

_ ‘It’s because you’re depressed.’ _

_ ‘No, I’m disgusting, he’s right.’ _

Jimin tapped his chest and then placed his fork down. “Thank you mama, but I need to see Jungkook off to work.” He stood up, sat down, ignored his father rolling his eyes, stood up, sat down, and stood up again before leaving the kitchen. Jungkook shot a glare at Jimin’s father, and the man shrugged before his wife smacked his arm. 

“It was a joke!” he defended. 

“Jimin is ill, dear. You know that Dr. Jihoon told you not to mention his food intake.” Jimin’s mother rubbed her forehead. Her husband put his arms up.

“It’ll toughen the kid up. He needs a little toughening up.” 

The older couple turned to Jungkook who had slammed his hands on the table and stood. “No, he doesn’t.” Jungkook grumbled before going to meet Jimin by the door. 

…

As soon as Jimin said his goodbyes to Jungkook and shut the door he turned to head back into the kitchen. After he tapped the doorknob four times, of course. That elevator really freaked Jimin out. He should have told him.

Where his plate used to be was a cup of coffee. He smiled at his mother before taking the coffee and sipping at it. There was a beat of silence, the only noise coming from his mother doing the dishes. He wishes he could help her, but his hands were too damaged and he didn’t want to ruin Jungkook’s hard work. That, and he would spend way too long doing it. The last time he did dishes, it took nearly two hours. 

_ ‘Why can’t I just wash and dry the dishes once?’ _

‘ _ They’re still gross and dirty.’ _

‘ _ Mama only washes them once, and they’re fine.’ _

_ ‘My hands are dirty, so the dishes have to be washed more when I do them.’ _

“When do we leave?” 

He saw his mother pause at his question. He saw how her mouth twitched downwards. She didn’t want him to go. He did. 

_ ‘You’re so selfish.’ _

‘ _ I need to fix myself.’ _

‘ _ I didn’t even tell Jungkook that I was going.’ _

‘ _ What’s wrong with me? I need to fix it.’ _

“We’ll leave once Taehyung gets here.” She sounded clipped, like she was trying not to cry. “Did you tell Jungkook?”

Jimin swallowed more coffee to bide his time. “No.”

His mother sighed and put her hand on her hip. “Are you sure about this baby?”

“Which part?” 

“Well,” she waved her hand around, “The whole thing, but mostly not telling Jungkook.”

Jimin nodded. “I need to do this mama. Dr. Jihoon said it might be a good idea. Dr. Kim is a genius apparently. If anyone can fix me, he can… and Jungkook doesn’t need to know. When I brought it up before, a long time ago, he was against it. He said that he could take care of me himself, and that it would get better over time, with the right kind of attention and love, but it’s just gotten worse and worse. I’m tired. And I want to be able to help myself, and not depend on him for every little thing, like opening a door.” 

His mother nodded, but then looked into his eyes. “You don’t need ‘fixed’ Jimin. You’re enough, and you’re perfect the way you are. We all have our little quirks-” 

“Mom, I can’t even leave the house without checking the light switches,” Jimin interrupted, waving his arm towards the light switch in the dining room. “That’s more than a little quirk.” 

She tried to wave him off. “We all check to make sure the lights are off before we leave the house-” 

“Four times?” 

“Well-”

“Each?” 

His mother sighed and levelled him with a look. He shrugged at her in response and tapped his chest four times. She sighed again. “What I mean Jimin, is that I love you for who you are, and your disorder doesn’t define you. You need help, maybe, but never fixed. I’m sure Jungkook would have told you the same thing.” 

“He has. I just… don’t want to keep living like this mama.” Jimin took her hand in his. He remembered when he was smaller than her. “I want to go back to being able to walk down the street without counting the steps, or brush my teeth without washing my hands four times afterwards. It takes me hours just to get to the library for work. I want to be... free from this, even if it’s just a little.”

_ ‘You won’t be able to fix yourself.’ _

_ ‘The lights can’t be checked if you’re not home.’ _

_ ‘I need to fix myself.’ _

_ ‘I’m broken.’ _

His mother sighed for the umpteenth time that morning and nodded her head, seeming to finally accept. “Besides,” Jimin said. “He’ll learn soon enough. But there’s nothing he can do once I’m in there.” 

“Do you think he could change your mind, is that why you haven’t told him?” she asked as she went to dry her hands off. 

Jimin wiggled his eyebrows at her a little. “Kookie can be rather persuasive.” 

She finally cracked a smile. “I don’t want to know!” 

…

It took another half an hour for Taehyung to finally show up. Considering he didn’t usually wake up until 12:30, this was an improvement. Taehyung didn’t even bother to knock, he just let himself in. He wandered into the kitchen and latched himself to Jimin’s back. “Are you ready for this?” he asked quietly. 

Jimin nodded his head and grabbed his suitcase. He had looked through it again to make sure he had everything. He looked to his mom and dad, the latter already jingling his keys in his hand. 

‘ _ He can’t wait to get rid of me.’ _

‘ _ I am not the son he wanted.’ _

_ ‘Jungkook will replace me, and be a good son.’ _

‘ _ Jungkook will go on walks with him, I’m sure of it.’ _

“I already checked the lights, so we can just go I think.” Jimin mumbled, taking Taehyung’s hand in his own. He pretended he didn’t hear his father mumble something like ‘thank god’ under his breath. Taehyung opened the door, and a cold blast of air smacked him in the face. It was sort of thrilling. He skipped the last step on the way out, and so did Taehyung, out of habit. Now they would be safe on their car ride. It was only 20 minutes away, but anything could happen. 

Taehyung opened the car door for Jimin, and Jimin slid in. Taehyung sat next to him, and his parents up front. He clipped in his seat belt four times. Taehyung took his hand again. He would miss Taehyung. His best friend, his soul mate. Taehyung was the only one who agreed with Jimin when he told him that he wanted to go to a hospital. 

_ ‘He’s tired of you too.’ _

_ ‘He wants to get rid of you too because you’re annoying.’ _

‘ _ I checked the light switch in my room before we left.’ _

‘ _ He wants to get a new best friend.’ _

“Do you think they’ll have pudding?” Taehyung asked out of the blue. 

Jimin’s eyebrow went up. “I mean… I’ve heard that they give most people little shakes if they don’t want to eat.” 

Taehyung nodded. “I just know that you like pudding.”

“Maybe I can ask for some pudding.” 

Taehyung gagged. “Not tapioca though.” 

“ _ Never  _ tapioca. Ew.” Jimin shivered. Tapioca was just nasty. 

It wasn’t long before they pulled into the pristine parking lot of the estate turned hospital; Zelda Fitzgerald. People were buzzing around the front entrance. Most people were in white scrubs and some looked like normal citizens. Some people were loading suitcases into cars, all smiles, while others were pulling their suitcases behind them towards the door, frowns on their faces. 

All four of them tumbled out of the car, Jimin having to sit and stand multiple times before he was able to pull his suitcase free from the car’s clutches. He turned to face his family and friend and smiled weakly. “I think I got this from here.” 

His mother was the first to break. She surged forward and gathered him in a too tight hug. “I’ll be fine mama. I need this.” 

“I know…” she sniffled. “I hope you get what you want from this baby. I really do.” 

Taehyung was the next to hug him, still too tightly. “I’ll visit every week Jiminie… So will Kook, I’m sure of it.” 

“Once he gets over hating me for this maybe,” Jimin whispered back. 

Taehyung pulled back and looked at him like he was crazy. “I don’t think Jungkook has the ability to hate you.”

Jimin shrugged. “We’ll see, I guess.” 

Jimin turned to his father. The older man nodded at his son. Jimin tapped his chest four times and nodded back. With that he waved to his mother and Taehyung before walking into what would hopefully help him fix his life.

…

The reception area was incredibly busy. Jimin squeezed his way through the people before he stopped at the front desk. The man attending was on the phone, talking rapidly to whoever was on the other end. Jimin looked at the nameplate; Boo Seungkwan. “I don’t care that someone ate the staff room cookies Jooheon, I have about twelve people that need my help up here. If you would like to come down here and help, then please, be my guest, but otherwise; STOP CALLING ME.” He slammed the phone back onto the receiver before swiveling in his chair to look at Jimin. “Yes sir, how can I-” The phone began to ring again. Seungkwan rolled his eyes harder than Jimin had ever seen anyone ever roll their eyes. The receptionist suddenly yanked the phone off of the desk before slamming it into one of the drawers in the desk, muffling the sound. Seungkwan took a deep cleansing breath and turned to help Jimin. 

“How can I help you?” He asked with a smile plastered on his face. 

“Um, I was-”

“Speak up sir, it’s loud in here.” 

Jimin tapped his chest four times before coughing to try to clear his throat. “Um, I was referred here by Dr. Jihoon? He said he’d sent my files to Dr. Kim about three days ago?” 

Seungkwan nodded and typed something on his computer. It looked like it was a million years old. “What was your name?”

“Park-” Someone in the reception area screamed, and Seungkwan sighed. 

“A moment, sir.” He then stood up on his chair and cleared his throat. “PLEASE REFRAIN FROM SCREAMING IN THE LOBBY. IF YOU FEEL THE NEED TO SCREAM, THERE IS A DOOR TO THE FRONT COURTYARD IN THE FRONT OF THE BUILDING. THANK YOU.”

The screaming stopped, but the noise didn’t die down. “Please, continue sir.” 

“My name is Park Jimin.” 

“Oooookay… ah, yes. Your files were sent and received this morning. You have an appointment with Dr. Kim tomorrow at noon, but it says that Jihoon wanted to meet with you before?” 

“Uh, yes. He told me I should come a day early, just to help me get settled in a bit.” 

Seungkwan nodded his head and continued to type. “Yes, it does look like he cleared out a room for you in the east wing. Let me get your final information and then I shall call a nurse to come escort you to your room and show you around. Jihoon should probably come see you tonight, if not, then tomorrow morning. 

“Okay.” Jimin tapped his chest four times and then rolled his shoulders just as many times. His hands were starting to tremble. He didn’t like being with this many people. It was loud and overcrowded. There could be a fire and then they would all burn to a crisp. 

_ ‘Don’t overreact.’ _

_ ‘You just got here.’ _

_ ‘These people will think you’re a freak.’ _

_ ‘What’s the capacity of this room?’ _

Seungkwan asked Jimin a few more questions, and then told him that his special requirements had already been processed and accounted for. He was glad that he had talked to Jihoon before he had come here to get everything settled. “Now where is my phone…” Seungkwan mumbled. He lifted his multitude of papers, and swirled his chair back and forth looking for it. Jimin coughed and pointed to the drawer. It had finally stopped ringing. “Ah! Yes, silly me.” 

He plucked the phone from the drawer and dialed a quick number. “Yes, hello Jeonghan. How are we today?... Good, good. I’m not sure why you’re answering the Head Nurse’s phone again, but I need you to put him on, please… thank you… Joshua, that you?... Excellent! Could you please send a nurse to the lobby to come pick up a new admittance?... Park Jimin…. Why can’t you look up who is assigned to him?... Jeonghan is playing games on the hospital’s computer…” Seungkwan typed something and then scrolled for a second. “It’s Minghao… he’s with Wonwoo?... Send Jun then, I’m sure he can handle showing someone around…. Well, I need someone!” Seungkwan rolled his eyes at Jimin like he was gossiping and Jimin was in on the secret. Jimin tapped his chest. “Great! I’m sure Jun will do fine… Great, uh-huh, yepp. I'll see you at family dinner. Goodbye.” And with that Seungkwan put the phone back into the receiver and slammed the drawer back shut. Jimin rolled his shoulders again. 

Seungkwan blinked at him. “Would you like to wait in the hallway? The door blocks out most of the noise.” 

Jimin felt relief flood through him. “Please?” 

“Of course.” With that he pressed something below his desk, and a loud buzzer went off. Jimin went and opened the door, only bowing slightly at the receptionist in thanks before the door slammed shut. The noise immediately was reduced to next to nothing. He leaned back against the wall and took a deep breath, tapping his chest. He looked over when he heard someone approaching. He wore white scrubs and a smiley face lanyard. Dangling on the end of it was a card that read “Are you a banana, cause I find you appealing.” 

“Hi, are you Jimin?” He asked, a bright smile on his face. Jimin nodded and shook Jun’s hand. “I’m Wen Junhui, but you can call me Jun. I’m gonna be helping your actual nurse, Minghao out. I’m still kind of new, so. Go easy on me.” 

Jimin laughed and nodded. “Of course. I like your joke.” 

Jun smirked and flicked the card. “I like to think it brightens up someone’s day.” They began to walk down the hallway and Jun took Jimin’s suitcase. “We have to take this to get checked before it gets take to your room. Is that okay?” 

Jimin nodded. He was looking at the floor. It was tiled. He didn’t want to step on the cracks. You know how the saying goes. 

_ ‘It’s just a floor.’ _

_ ‘Why can’t you just walk normally?’ _

_ ‘You’ve stepped on millions of cracks and your mom is fine.’ _

_ ‘But what if she isn’t?’ _

“This one is your Psychiatrist's office. Dr. Jin is pretty nice, so I think you’ll like him.” Jun informed him as they passed a bright pink door. They kept walking for some time. They turned the corner two times before they came upon a larger room with other hallways splitting off from it. “This is the cafeteria. The halls are all marked and labelled as to what they go to. A is to the family room, where everyone can go to relax and where visitation happens, and then B through D is the dorm hallways. The hallway we’re in now is E. Your room is in hallway C. I am going to drop your luggage off at the checking area, and I will return it to you afterwards. Your name should already be on your door. If you would like to join everyone else in the family room for tv time, you can, but you can also stay in your room if you’d like.” With that, he gave Jimin one more bright smile before he went down another hallway, hallway F. 

Jimin swallowed and began to walk towards hallway C. He could hear the other patients in the distance, and the static of a TV. He looked to the ground and counted his steps. He skipped every fourth tile until he got to his room. There were twelve rooms in this hallway. His room was room four, like he asked. He touched the handle four times before opening it slowly. The air in the room was a little stale, but not bad. The room was rather small, but Jimin wasn’t really expecting anything luxurious. There was a twin bed in the corner with bars around it. It had two pillows and a thick blanket folded on top of it. His mom would be bringing more of his stuff next week. A small dresser sat against the opposite wall, and a window shined a square of light into the room. He let himself in and made the bed, tucking the edges in and under the mattress before sitting on it. He took a deep breath.

He wasn’t sure how long he sat there, but it couldn’t have been that long before Jun came to drop off his suitcase. “We took out the hand sanitizer and your toothbrush.” Jimin nodded. “Alright, well, like I said,” Jun smiled and opened the door to leave. “If you want to join us, we’re in the family room.” He almost shut the door, but then opened it again. “Oh yeah,” he winked to Jimin. “Welcome to Zelda Fitzgerald!” 


	6. The Desperate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING! 
> 
> This chapter/story deals heavily in mental health issues. It isn't a super sunshine and happy go lucky fic, so PLEASE read with caution. Suicide and self harm are EXTREMELY prevalent in the story, including this chapter. Nothing in THIS CHAPTER is extremely graphic, but please be warned for later on. 
> 
> Please stay safe, and stay aware of how much you can handle. 
> 
> Please enjoy.

“Man, the hospital was busy today.” It was dark inside the apartment when Mingyu hurried in. Snow was coming down in thick, blustery waves outside. He shivered as the heat of the house slowly melted away the ice on his coat and gloves. He slipped his hands out of the gloves and shook out his coat before he stashed them both in the closet next to the front door. “Y’know, you would think that more people would be getting their flu shots, seeing as it only comes back worse and worse every year,” he called out as he made his way down the hallway, turning on lights as he went. 

He came home to a dark home more and more often these days. 

He turned around the corner, hoping to see a lump under a blanket on the couch with the TV on low, but the TV was off and the couch looked just as Mingyu left it this morning before he went to work. None of the ‘extra’ pillows were on the ground, none of the neatly folded blankets disturbed. “Woo?” He called, going to the tiny laundry room to change out of his scrubs. They had little reindeers and elves on them. He didn’t hear a response, which was nothing new. He slipped his pajama shirt over his head and sighed. 

He checked Wonwoo’s office, just to make sure he wasn’t just preoccupied with numbers and math, but the man wasn’t in there either. He rubbed the back of his neck and made his way to their bedroom. 

“Wonwoo?” 

The other man was laying on the bed over the covers in a loose fetal position, his back facing the door, and his hands shoved under the pillow. He was still wearing his pajamas; a dark long sleeved turtleneck and plaid pants. The curtain for the window across from him was open, so at least the room wasn’t as dark as it could have been. He didn’t even twitch when Mingyu called him. 

Mingyu could feel his heart squeeze at the sight of his lover. This was happening more and more as well. 

He made his way to the bed and kneeled behind Wonwoo, his hand going to Wonwoo’s back. He could feel the bumps of his spine as he rubbed the other man’s back up and down. He couldn’t quite see Wonwoo’s face. “Did you get up at all today, love?” 

Wonwoo barely nodded his head before he cleared his throat softly. Wonwoo was never a very loud speaker. “I opened the curtain.” 

Mingyu worked his jaw and his throat closed up a bit. He hated this. He, too, cleared his throat. “Did you eat anything today?” 

Wonwoo shook his head, just a small twitch. “No.” 

Mingyu brushed his hand through Wonwoo’s black hair. “Didn’t get that far?”

“I’m so…” Wonwoo breathed. Mingyu closed his eyes when he felt Wonwoo tremble. “I’m so tired Mingyu.” 

Mingyu swallowed and nodded, even though he knew that Wonwoo couldn’t see him. He thread his arms through Wonwoo’s as he laid down behind him. He pulled Wonwoo closer until they were back to chest. Wonwoo let him do whatever he wanted. Mingyu kissed the top of Wonwoo’s head. “Let’s take a nap, and then I can give you a bath. Okay?” 

Wonwoo was already asleep. 

…

When Mingyu woke up about an hour later, it was as if he had been transported to a whole new apartment. The lamp in the corner of the bedroom had been turned on, and both of the curtains were open. 

Mingyu lifted his head, his hair sticking up at four different angles and his face puffy. He looked around a little bit before yawning and stretching his long legs. He had forgotten to take his contacts out before his nap, so his eyes were dry a little bit painful. Wonwoo was no longer laying with him, but he heard movement in the kitchen, so he wasn’t too concerned. He was about to get up to go see what the other was up to when Wonwoo spoke up from the doorway. 

“Hey, sleepyhead,” he shuffled further into the room, a soft smile on his face. He was carrying a tray with some food on it. “Don’t get up.” 

Mingyu smiled and rolled onto his back as the tray was placed across his lap. “You cooked?” 

Wonwoo snorted as he sat on the edge of the bed. His hair was damp, but brushed and he had put on his round glasses. He hated his contacts with a burning passion. He was still wearing pajamas, but he had changed into a blue turtleneck and black sweats. “Of course not, but I thought you would like a sandwich.” 

Mingyu laughed and looked down at the tray. It was a simple spread of peanut butter and raspberry jelly, a bag of chips, and a glass of orange juice. Mingyu leaned forward and pecked Wonwoo on the cheek. “Thanks! I haven’t had a chance to eat since my break at seven this morning.” 

Wonwoo rubbed his arm as he watched Mingyu dig in. “I wish they would let you have more breaks. Two fifteen minute breaks for a twelve hour shift doesn’t seem like enough.” 

Mingyu shrugged, “It’s not too rough. Besides, I get to come home super early.” 

“But you leave at one in the morning, and then when you get home, you stay awake and cook and clean and take run errands and-”

“And I’m happy to do it, Woo.” Mingyu interrupted. He knew that Wonwoo worried about the amount of sleep he got working the third shift at the hospital, but he was fine. He loved his job and he wouldn’t trade it for the world. And after it all, he got to come home to his fiance and take care of him. Mingyu opened the chips, “Did you manage to get any work done today?” 

Mingyu pretended not to notice how Wonwoo stiffened up and how his hands clenched. “No, my stomach was bothering me too much.” 

Mingyu felt a pang in his own stomach, but he went along with Wonwoo anyway. “Your gastritis again?” 

“Yeah,” Wonwoo looked out the window, “It’s been really bothering me lately.” 

Uncomfortable silence consumed the two of them as Mingyu only stared at Wonwoo’s profile as the latter looked out the window. It had stopped snowing. 

Wonwoo had a delicate beauty about him. He had always been thin and angular, even in highschool. Mingyu had been drawn to Wonwoo’s beauty as soon as he had set eyes on him for the first time his freshman year. At first, he was just that pretty boy who always sat by himself in the library during lunch, something for Mingyu to gawk at. But then that boy started to make his way closer to Mingyu’s table, day by day, until they sat right next to each other. Mingyu learned that there was something harsh and painful about Wonwoo’s beauty, but it was all that more enticing to Mingyu who had only ever wanted to help everyone he could. Especially Wonwoo. 

But it was more difficult than Mingyu ever thought. 

It took a year and a half for Wonwoo to accept the fact that Mingyu liked him, and another month on top of that to go out with him as a couple for the first time. It was through this long year of waiting and pining that Mingyu learned of Wonwoo’s decaying mental health. He wasn’t sure if Wonwoo would have ever told him about it if he hadn’t accidentally dropped his medication one day while they were on a walk. 

It was that afternoon that he also learned of Wonwoo’s terrifying middle school years spent in mental institution after mental institution. They had sat on a bench in the middle of the park, the yellow container clutched in Wonwoo’s hands as he revealed all of his secrets to Mingyu. He wanted Mingyu to know what it meant, dating him. Wonwoo pressed on the fact that he would withdraw, he would ignore Mingyu’s texts and calls, he couldn’t be there for Mingyu all of the time because he couldn’t even be there for himself. He needed Mingyu to know that he wouldn’t be good for Mingyu, and that Mingyu would get tired of listening to Wonwoo complain. How absolutely terrified Wonwoo was of Mingyu changing his mind and leaving him. 

It was the most that Mingyu had heard Wonwoo speak at one time, and he had silently listened, his hand holding Wonwoo’s free one the entire time. By the end of it, Wonwoo was shaking and Mingyu’s eyes were a little wet. Mingyu was going to reply, but Wonwoo wouldn’t let him. He told Mingyu to make no promises, as promises are what got him into this mess in the first place. Mingyu wasn’t sure what that meant, but Wonwoo didn’t continue, so Mingyu didn’t press the issue. 

After a month of dating is when Mingyu saw first hand just how much pain Wonwoo was in. Wonwoo’s mother had invited Mingyu inside one Saturday afternoon. It was Wonwoo’s birthday, and Mingyu wanted to surprise him. Wonwoo had been messaging him all day, and seemed extremely excited about his small birthday party they were having with a few of their friends later. He had even told Mingyu he loved him earlier, much to Mingyu’s pleasure. 

Mingyu had gone upstairs to Wonwoo’s bedroom. He knocked on the door and a crash immediately followed. Mingyu burst the door open, Wonwoo’s name on his lips when he came face to face with a pallid Wonwoo and a bowl of water shattered on the ground. 

Through much confusion and frustration, Mingyu had found out about Wonwoo’s self harm addiction. 

Wonwoo had spiralled into a panic attack after that, sure that Mingyu was going to leave him, sure that his parents were going to send him back in. 

But Mingyu didn’t leave, and he didn’t tell Wonwoo’s parents. 

Eventually, Wonwoo seemed to get better, just from talking to Mingyu about his issues, and Mingyu helping him through his bad days. Mingyu was proud of Wonwoo, but he knew that Wonwoo had only taken a few steps back from jumping off the proverbial cliff. 

The hardest years were college. Mingyu went to nursing school, and Wonwoo went for accounting. He wanted to be a teacher, but his parents didn’t support that, so he did what he wanted his parents wanted him to do. When Mingyu asked why, Wonwoo said something about not wanting to be any more of a disappointment than he already was. They had gone from spending nearly everyday together, to only meeting about once every two weeks. Sure, they had video calls and texting, but it wasn’t the same as actually being able to hold someone in your arms and talking to them face to face. This was the first time that Mingyu noticed Wonwoo beginning to withdraw back into himself, and he wore longer sleeves more and more often. But they had both somehow excelled their way through college, got an apartment together, and it was two months ago on their anniversary that Mingyu had asked Wonwoo to marry him, and now, here they were. 

Mingyu couldn’t pinpoint exactly when Wonwoo began to withdraw again, but he knew it had been an extremely long time since Wonwoo had spoken to him about anything concerning his state of mind, and it was starting to wear on them both. 

Mingyu reached his clean hand out to hold Wonwoo’s wrist. “Hey,” Wonwoo turned to look at Mingyu, the corner of his mouth twitching. “You can talk to me, you know that right?” 

Wonwoo was silent for a long time, and Mingyu was worried that Wonwoo was about to start crying, but instead he only looked down and nodded his head. “Yeah, I know.” 

… 

The next few days passed in a blur. Wonwoo would text Mingyu frequently, mostly stupid selfies of him, or long rants about how people were so bad with money. Mingyu had limited time to respond, so he would usually call Wonwoo on his breaks. He managed to squeeze an extra fifteen minutes in today, so Wonwoo was even more pleased. 

“I love you.”

Mingyu made a face at his phone, “I love you too, you goof.” 

Wonwoo laughed, and Mingyu felt his tummy get warm. Even after all of these years. “Why am I a goof?” 

“You’ve said that you love me, like, eight times in just as many minutes.” 

Wonwoo was silent for a moment, and Mingyu could imagine him shrugging his shoulders. “I just want to make sure that you know that.” 

Mingyu shook his head. “Of course I know,” he swiveled in his chair. “You know that I love you too, right?” 

“Yeah. I know.” 

“Like,” Mingyu giggled, “A lot.” He heard Wonwoo laugh. 

“Same here, puppy.” 

“Hey do you-” 

“Nurse Kim?” Mingyu’s eyes shot up when another nurse entered the room, her eyes frantic. “We need help in the ER.” 

“Of course, I’ll be right there.” He turned back to his phone. “Hey love, I gotta-”

“Go help save the world.” Wonwoo said, his voice warm and fond. 

“Okay! I love you!” Mingyu practically flung his phone into his pocket after hanging up as he rushed to catch up to the other nurse. 

…

Wonwoo leaned back against the bathroom wall, his hands shaking as he pressed the phone harder against his ear. 

“I love you, so, so much.” 

…

Mingyu was in the middle of helping one of the doctors with stitches when one of the other nurses caught his eye.. It was Sicheng, a long time friend of Mingyu’s and Wonwoo’s. He was wearing a small Yoshi keychain on his lanyard. 

“Hey, Winwin?” He called. Sicheng looked over and smiled at Mingyu. 

“Yeah?” 

“When did you get that keychain?” 

Sicheng’s eyebrow went up in a second of confusion before he looked down at it. “Oh, about a week ago!” 

Mingyu smiled. “Nice, Wonwoo has the same one.” 

Sicheng smiled. “Yeah, Wonwoo gave it to me. He said he barely uses it.” 

“What? But he…” The keychain was a permanent fixture on Wonwoo’s car keys, ever since highschool. When Sicheng looked at him to continue, Mingyu waved him off. “Nothing.” 

Sicheng nodded before going to help with someone else. 

The doctor he was helping glanced at Mingyu for a second before pulling him to the next patient. More stitches. 

Mingyu seemed to be a little restless. “Y’know, that reminds me that Wonwoo also gave his brother his gaming console a few days ago, saying that he doesn’t play it anymore.” 

The doctor sighed. “Seems like he’s trying to grow up a little bit maybe?” 

Mingyu nodded and rubbed his neck. “He’s also been calling his parents a lot.”

The doctor paused what she was doing. “Mingyu…” She seemed to stop herself. 

“What?” Mingyu asked. He seemed to get more frantic as the silence expanded. 

“This might not be my place, but, has Wonwoo been extra… affectionate lately?” She asked. The patient looked between the doctor and Mingyu. 

“He told me he loves me, like, twelve times during my break…” Mingyu’s heart was pounding in his chest, and he could hear his blood flowing in his ears. He felt like he could barely breathe. The doctor opened her mouth, but Mingyu was already pushing past her, mumbling, “I have to go.”

…

Mingyu had tried to get a hold of Wonwoo ten times by the time he got home. He had broken every speed limit known to man, and his chest was heaving from his sprint from the car park to his building. He hadn’t even remembered to get his coat. He slammed the door open and ran into his house. 

The lights were on. 

“Wonwoo?!” he yelled out, neighbors be damned. He gave a cursory glance to the living room and Wonwoo’s office. He went straight to the bathroom. He tried to open the door, but of course it was locked. His heart was slamming against his ribcage. He couldn’t breathe. “Wonwoo, baby, please open the door.” His voice cracked with desperation. He shook the door harder. “Oh my God, Wonwoo, love, please please please open the door.” 

Mingyu took two steps away before he slammed the heel of his foot against the keyhole. Once, twice. The door splintered and the doorframe popped away from the wall. Mingyu grabbed the broken slab of wood and threw it out of his way before he threw himself into the bathroom. 

“Oh,” he felt his heart stop in his chest. 

…

There was pressure against him. 

“-woo, I got you, I got you-...

He was warm, but… he felt cold. 

“They’re on their way… with me…” 

He was flying.

“...2, 3, lift…”

“...type A posi…”

His arms were numb.

“...I love y-...”

He wasn’t cold anymore.

“He needs to rest and…”

His arms burned.

“... bruises on his neck, like he…”

“I’m Dr. Jihoon from Zelda…”

“They’ll take care of you Wonwoo, I prom-...”

He had said no promises.

….

The room Wonwoo woke up in wasn’t his. He had to blink a few times to clear the film from sleeping so long from his eyes. The ceiling of the room was plain. He squinted. He wasn’t wearing his glasses or his contacts. He lifted his arm to his eyes to rub them, but stopped at the burning sting in his wrist. He blinked a few times again, like he could get rid of the white cotton gauze wrapped around both his thin wrists. “What the-” 

He took a look around the room. It was almost like a hospital room, but it had multiple beds with curtains to separate them. Someone was sleeping in one of them. There was a small computer in the corner, and only one small window about ten feet off the ground. It had bars on it. 

Wonwoo’s heart began to pound. He looked down at himself again. He was wearing nothing but a hospital gown and those socks with the sticky bottoms. He tried to call out, but his voice was nowhere to be found. This couldn’t be happening. He couldn't be in another mental institution. Not again. He tried to get out of his bed, but upon further inspection, he wasn’t wearing any underwear, which meant his butt would be on display, and he wasn’t about to risk that. He groaned to himself, a broken little sound, and dug the heels of his palms into his eyes until he saw stars. He couldn’t be here. Last thing he remembered he was at home, doing some accounting for some lady who couldn’t tell the difference between a nickel and a dime. How did he end up  _ here? _

His breathing got faster and faster, and he could feel it getting stuck in his chest. The last time he was in an institution…. He just couldn’t be here. He took another glance at the other man sleeping in the bed across from his, and decided that his ass probably wouldn’t be the worst thing he saw that day. He slowly got up and began to make his way to the door before he stopped at a mirror above the desk in the corner. He almost had to do a double take. 

That could not have been him. He looked… frightening. His eyes were sunken in and his bags had bags, His cheek bones were more prominent than ever. He lifted his chin to look at his neck. Around his clavicle was purpling bruises or various sizes. They were healing, and for some reason it made Wonwoo panic even more. 

He went to grab the door handle when someone spoke from behind him. 

“Didn’t work, huh?” 

He blinked and spun around. The man in the other bed was awake and sitting up. He was holding a juice box. He was tiny, even compared to Wonwoo, who was about as thick as a piece of paper. This kid was even skinnier. He had piercing brown eyes and pretty cheekbones. His hair was longer in the back, and he had pushed back his blond bangs. Wonwoo had to admit though. He was gorgeous, in an unattainable, he couldn't possibly be human kind of way. “Ex-” Wonwoo tried to clear his throat. “Excuse me?” He still sounded awful. 

The other man gestured to Wonwoo’s wrists. “Killing yourself didn’t go as planned?” He took a small sip from his juice box. He made a face and put it on his nightstand. “They think that even a little bit of sugar will kill you, but we like to keep that privilege to ourselves, right?” 

Wonwoo blinked, dumbfounded. “I’m sorry… who are you?” 

The kid jumped out of his bed way too well for someone who was supposed to be sick. He waltzed up to Wonwoo. He was short too, and even prettier up close. He was wearing a loose t-shirt and sweats with the tightening tie removed. He smelled like coconuts and antiseptic. “Lee Taeyong, at your service.” Wonwoo stared the boy over again, and Taeyong seemed to grow tired of Wonwoo’s confusion. Taeyong rolled his eyes and gestured to Wonwoo’s wrists again. “Congratulations, you have even failed at offing yourself.” Wonwoo had no clue how to respond. People weren’t usually this… rude about things like this. Taeyong walked a circle around Wonwoo, and Wonwoo tried to pull the gown as tight as he could around his body, but Taeyong still whistled and laughed. “The no undies trick, nice.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“Ah, he speaks!” Taeyong came back to stand in front of Wonwoo. “Dr. Jin likes to put flight risk patients in nothing but the gown to avoid escape attempts. Not that you could either way. The door is locked.” Taeyong walked to the computer and jiggled the mouse. “And if you don’t want the Head Nurse to get a nice good look at your ass, you better go sit down.” The door behind Wonwoo suddenly opened, and Wonwoo felt his face go bright red. He shot a look to Taeyong, who shrugged and said “Oops…” 

“Oh, Wonwoo!” Wonwoo spun around to face the nurse. The other man smiled brightly. “You’re awake!” 

The nurse was pretty good looking, with keen blue eyes and sandy blonde hair. He was a little shorter than Wonwoo. “I need to talk to whoever is in charge, I haven’t given my consent to be here.” 

Taeyong gasped in mock horror, “The plot thickens!” 

The nurse rolled his eyes and smiled at Taeyong. “Taeyong, Jaehyun asked me to tell you that he managed to get your favorite movie shown for movie night tonight. You should go thank him.” 

Wonwoo was surprised to see Taeyong’s ears going a little bit red as he immediately calmed down. “Oh, he did? I was kidding about that.” 

“Well, he said he thinks you deserve it for doing so well.” 

Taeyong twisted his hands together. “Really?” 

“Really,” The head nurse held the door open for Taeyong. “Now go thank him and get ready for lights out. You have an hour.” 

Taeyong nodded and slapped Wonwoo on the butt as he walked out, making the other jump and growl. Taeyong only giggled and skipped out of the room. 

Once the door was shut and locked once again, the nurse led Wonwoo to his bed. “I understand that you must be confused, waking up in a strange place-”

“This isn’t a strange place, it’s an institution that I didn’t consent to be sent to or to be in,” Wonwoo growled. The nurse put his hands up trying to calm Wonwoo down. 

“It wasn’t in your control anymore. Your medical proxy signed the papers as you aren’t mentally fit.” 

Wonwoo was silent for a moment as the words sunk in. “My…” he bit his lip, “My medical proxy is my fiance, and he… he would never…” The nurse opened a file that was on the stand next to Wonwoo’s bed. 

“Kim Mingyu?” 

Wonwoo’s head spun. Mingyu knew that Wonwoo hated institutions. He knew what kinds of things Wonwoo had gone through. He  _ knew _ , and he still put him in one. 

“I-” Wonwoo looked helplessly at the nurse. He could feel a few tears leave his eyes. “Wh-” 

The nurse took a deep breath and closed Wonwoo’s file. He scooted his chair closer. “I understand that this is difficult, and we have gotten the reports from the other… places... you have been,“ Wonwoo would have been surprised at the malice in the nurses voice if he could feel anything. “But you must know that this place isn’t like that. We… care here. Some of us have family here. I prom-”

“Don’t.”

“I’m sorry?”

Wonwoo couldn’t seem to stop crying. “Don’t make promises.”

The nurse looked a little confused, but nodded anyway. “Then we’ll prove it to you. We will take care of you, Wonwoo. Like you’re one of our own.”

Wonwoo only sat in silence. The nurse sighed and reopened the file. “You’re going to be assigned to room six in hallway D. Your belongings will be brought to you in a few days. You will be given a set of rules and a schedule. Your assigned nurses are Minghao and Jun, a nurse in training. I am Head Nurse Joshua, but everyone calls me Shua, and you can ask me anything you want at any time.” Joshua snapped the file closed and brushed his hair away from his face. “We’ll keep you in here for a few more days, just to make sure everything is healing properly, and then you’ll have your first meeting with Dr. Jin and then Dr. Jihoon.” 

Wonwoo robotically nodded and laid himself down. He turned his back to Joshua and pulled his blanket over his head. “Alright. I’ll bring you something to eat in a few minutes.” Wonwoo didn’t respond. He heard Joshua go to the door. “I’m really sorry that this is happening to you Wonwoo, but… welcome to Zelda Fitzgerald.” 

  
  
  
  


  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think!
> 
> Till next time!


	7. The First Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoy!

Wonwoo was stuck in that small room with too many beds for an entire week. The only reason he knew it had been a week was because he would drag himself over to the computer in the corner to jiggle the mouse every once in a while to see the time and date in the bottom right corner. There weren’t any other clocks or calendars in the room. 

He was asked every night if he wanted to talk to Mingyu or his brother, and he always said no. 

He saw a few people come and go. One time it was a small kid who couldn’t have been more than ten. He was having a meltdown, and just needed somewhere quiet without his roommate. Wonwoo hoped he wouldn’t have a roommate. When he asked, Joshua informed him that the older patients got their own rooms, but the kids tended to share because of how scary being alone was for them. Wonwoo saw Taeyong three other times that week. Once when Taeyong ran in by himself, slamming the door shut behind him, a wicked smile on his face. He had motioned for Wonwoo to be quiet as he heard people run past the door. It didn’t sound like they were wearing shoes, the sticky sounds of rubber bottomed socks smacking against the floor as they ran. Wonwoo had raised an eyebrow at the smaller man, and Taeyong only shrugged and stepped further into the room. Taeyong picked up one of Wonwoo’s books, which had been brought to him a day prior, and sat down on Wonwoo’s bed and simply began to read. 

The second time he saw Taeyong, the other had been carried in by an orderly, or nurse, or whatever they called them here. Wonwoo tried not to stare as the other boy was lowered gently into the bed across from him. He had bruises on his face and arms. The orderly pulled the blanket over Taeyong and went over to the small fridge in the corner with the computer and used a key to unlock it. He pulled out a juice box and brought it over to Taeyong’s bedside table before relocking the fridge and leaving. He was about to go back to his book when he heard a sound come from Taeyong’s bed. He looked over only to find that Taeyong had pulled the blanket over his head, and that he was shaking. Wonwoo swallowed and looked back to his novel as he tried to ignore the growing gasps and sobs coming from the other side of the room. 

The third time he saw Taeyong, he had walked into the room quietly, the bruises on his body still purple. He had his arms crossed over each other and it looked like he was trying to hold himself together with his own two hands. He only gave Wonwoo a short glance before grabbing the same book he had read from before and sitting on Wonwoo’s bed to read. Wonwoo only stiffened a little when he felt the others head on his shoulder, but he didn’t shake him off. They sat like that for one or two hours before Taeyong quietly got up and left like nothing had happened. 

The only other people he had seen were a few more kids and a skinny, tall man who had been shivering and sweating profusely. He had been handcuffed to his bed, and Wonwoo was forced to listen as the man yelled and cursed and rattled his handcuffs against the bed frame for hours. He was doing his best to ignore it, but by the third hour, he snapped. 

“Maybe if you were to stop fussing, they’d let you out of those!” Wonwoo never shouted, but this was ridiculous. He just wanted to sleep and wait to be freed from this God forsaken room. 

The man had stopped immediately and stared at Wonwoo for a moment. Wonwoo tried not to squirm as the man very obviously swept his large eyes over his body. They lingered on his wrists for a long time. The man shivered violently before he smirked. “Maybe if you hadn’t cut so deep, you wouldn’t be here.”

Wonwoo flinched and grit his teeth. He tried to just go back to reading, but now the man’s attention was on him. “What are you reading?” Wonwoo ignored him. “Hey…” He heard the handcuffs slide against the bed. “Whaaaaat are you reeeeadinggggg?” And the man continued, just like that for five minutes before Wonwoo slammed the book shut and pulled the blanket over his head and squeezed his eyes shut. There was a moment of silence before the man snorted. “H. One, huh? He’s too pretentious for my liking. Too many words to explain stupid, mundane things. Too many things to say, too many mistakes to count.” 

Wonwoo glared from under his blanket. He rolled over and squinted at the man. “What did he ever do to you?” 

The man shook and smirked. His eyes seemed to look far away as he sighed, “He ruined my life.” 

Wonwoo snorted and laid back down. “Yeah, right,” he rolled over so his back would face the man. “As if a druggie like you could know someone like H. One.” 

After that, he only heard the occasional slide of the handcuffs as the man shivered and sweated through his withdrawal. 

By the time Wonwoo woke up, the man was gone. 

On the final day of the week, Joshua walked into the room with a bright smile on his face. He was carrying a pair of underwear and some of Wonwoo’s clothes. “Here we go! In a moment, you can get dressed and I will walk you to Dr. Jin’s office. He is just going to ask you a few questions to get to know you, and then we can get you to the shower. After that, if you’re up for it, I can show you around. It’s a bit late, so your day nurses are off.”

Wonwoo took the clothes silently. Even though he had seen Joshua every day this past week, he hadn’t spoken a word to him. He wouldn’t say anything to Dr. Jin either. 

Joshua didn’t seem to mind, though. He placed a folder on Wonwoo’s bedside table before he nodded at him. He grabbed the curtain and pulled it around Wonwoo’s bed to give the man some sort of privacy. Wonwoo knew that he wouldn’t have any true privacy in this place, but he supposed he should take what he could get. 

After he had finished getting dressed, oh to have underwear again, he slid the curtain back to where it was at before. He was given one of his short sleeved t-shirts, a pair of shorts and a new pair of sticky bottom socks. These were red instead of blue. For some reason the color change intrigued Wonwoo, and before he could think about it, he let the question slip out. “Why are the socks different colors?” 

Joshua’s eyes whipped to Wonwoo from where he was sitting at the computer in the corner, a small smile on his face, as though Wonwoo speaking to him was a miracle. It kind of was. Wonwoo silently berated himself. There goes his resolve to speak to anyone other than other patients. 

“We actually use a color code system with our patients,” Joshua began to explain as he walked over to grab Wonwoo’s old hospital gown and the folder, “It makes it easier for the nurses to identify who is assigned to who. Blue is for Jooheon and Hyunwoo, green is for Yuta and Jeno, red is for Minghao, Jun, and me, and orange is for Jacob and Kevin.” 

Again, Wonwoo let a question out, “Why does red have three?”

Joshua smiled. He never really stopped smiling. That was different from what Wonwoo was used to. “Jun is still in training, so I have assigned myself to red as well to help Minghao out.” 

Wonwoo simply nodded his head. He looked at his feet again. Red, huh? 

“Alright,” Joshua led Wonwoo to the door. “Ready to finally get out of here?” 

Maybe talking to Joshua wasn’t so bad. “Yes, please.”

…

This place was huge. Wonwoo had been in more institutions than he could count, but this was probably one of the biggest. The hallways were wide and spacious, the lights a surprising dim yellow. Not that creepy kind you see in horror movies, in Wonwoo’s case, other institutes, but a pleasant, calm color. It was a good change from the usual piercing white that was commonplace in places like this. The doors they passed were mostly closed with the lights off, and as Joshua explained, most of them were for different kinds of therapy. Some were rooms for nurses, and Joshua pointed out his own room and across from that, Minghao’s. The door was open, and a thin man wearing glasses was sitting cross legged on the bed. He didn’t look up as they passed, even after Joshua called out a simple greeting. Wonwoo raised a brow, but Joshua only waved him off. 

They walked for a few more minutes until they came to the end of the hallway, where it opened up to what looked like a cafeteria. Instead of typical lunch room benches and sterile white tablecloths, there were twelve regular looking dinner tables, with cushioned chairs and different colored tablecloths. Upon peering around the room, Wonwoo could see the basic gist of how this place was set up. The cafeteria was the center of it all, and the hallways sprouting from it was where they did the real business of ‘fixing’ its patients. What surprised him though was the fact that certain hallways had carpet laid down over the white tiled floors. 

“Carpet?” he asked as Joshua ushered him across the cafeteria to another hallway.

Joshua nodded, “Yes, carpet. Since patients aren’t really allowed to wear shoes, we find that carpet is a lot more comfortable for your feet.” 

This was… weird for Wonwoo. In all the other places he had been, they ironically hadn’t really cared this much about their patients needs. He recalled that one time he had even been told to ‘suck it up’. 

They kept walking down the hallway, Joshua pointing out a few more rooms and offices until they came to a stop in front of a door that had been painted bright pink. Wonwoo muttered something like, “You’ve got to be kidding me,” as Joshua knocked. Wonwoo read the name on the door, just to make sure Joshua had taken him to the right place. 

“Come in!” 

Joshua opened the door and leaned in. Wonwoo messed with the bandages on his wrists. He had yet to see what kind of damage he had done to himself. Every time he had to have his bandages changed, he would look away. He probably couldn’t do that when he showered. He snapped back to reality when Joshua stepped back and gently touched his back to lead him into the room. 

The office was… a lot. The walls were painted red and gold. The ground was covered with different colored rugs and none of them matched the other. There was a brown leather couch in the corner with a coffee table and a chair in front of it. There was a huge white desk in the corner covered in papers and books, and a bookshelf behind it laden with more books and more papers. At least the laptop in the room looked more updated than the computer that was in the infirmary. In the other corner, next to the door was a glass case filled with different kinds of alpaca plushies and toys. Wonwoo blinked and slowly looked at the man sitting behind the desk. He looked so… normal? Wonwoo could see that the man was rather good looking, his large eyes and plump lips perfectly symmetrical, but he didn’t look like a doctor or someone who would own alpaca memorabilia. 

The doctor stood from the desk, and Wonwoo decided to change his mind, for two reasons. One, he suddenly remembered that Taeyong had told him that Dr. Jin was the one who didn’t give him underwear to prevent escape, and two; the man was wearing fuzzy alpaca pajama bottoms. 

“Hello Wonwoo, I’m Dr. Kim Seokjin, but you may call me Dr. Jin.” 

Wonwoo blinked at the hand that was offered to him before his gaze went back to the Dr.’s pants. Jin looked to where Wonwoo was looking before he laughed. Wonwoo flinched at the sound. It was like windshield wipers. 

“I’m sorry, it’s rather late, and I just want to be able to jump right into bed after this!” He gestured to Wonwoo to sit on the couch, which Wonwoo did. He felt so… numb to all of this, even if it was a rather strange first impression. He had been over this, over and over and over again. He had been diagnosed so long ago, and rediagnosed to something else, and then rerediagnosed back to the first thing. He could say that he didn’t care, could say that he was fine with any diagnoses, but… he did. He cared so much that it ate away at him every single day. He watched Mingyu just leave the house everyday without having to take four different pills, and he couldn’t stand it. He just wanted to be normal, and he thought for sure that he would be able to do it by himself, but now, after being put into so many different places, he couldn’t tell what normal was. Everyone had a different definition, and how was he supposed to know what the right one was? 

“Are you tired?” 

Wonwoo blinked and looked up at Jin. He shook his head. Jin smiled, and Wonwoo couldn’t help but find it a little smug. Jin crossed his legs and opened up the folder that Joshua had given him. Wonwoo jolted as he suddenly became aware that the nurse had disappeared. When did he leave? “All right, let me see here…” Jin mumbled to himself as he read through Wonwoo’s files. Wonwoo swallowed. Usually his doctors had read up on him before he got to them. For some reason, seeing Jin read it in front of him made him nervous, like Jin was grading his test right in front of him. He felt his heart start to pound. Sometimes, the doctors didn’t read his files at all. Wonwoo messed with his bandages. “For the amount of times you’ve been hospitalized, your diagnoses’ are rather vague and unimpressive.” 

Wonwoo blinked. He felt like he had been slapped in the face for some reason. “Trying to kill myself isn’t impressive?” Wonwoo blurted out without thinking. He snapped his mouth shut when Jin glanced up and smirked at him.

“I never said that you weren’t impressive, Wonwoo, just the doctors you have had before. Does it make you upset, that you thought I thought you were unimpressive?” Jin asked, closing the folder. 

Wonwoo swallowed and shook his head. “I don’t care what you think.” 

Jin grinned and nodded, opening the folder back up. “Of course not.”

Jin read in silence for a few more minutes. “You never actually spoke to Dr. Jihoon, correct?”

Wonwoo shook his head. 

“Hm,” Jin hummed, “He somehow has a more in depth viewpoint than these others who claimed to have cured and discharged you.” 

“They did cure me,” Wonwoo rebutted, “I just… couldn’t keep up with it.” 

“Keep up with what?” Jin tilted his head as he crossed his arms over his chest. 

Wonwoo’s eyes darted around the room. He felt his skin crawl and he was getting itchy. “The image they made me create. I couldn’t keep up with being normal”

Jin let out a breathy little laugh that held no humor. “They made you create an image, and then they made sure you upheld that image for a while, and then they discharged you?” 

Wonwoo nodded, and Jin rolled his eyes. Then he continued to read the folder. Once he was seemingly done, he placed the folder onto the coffee table and leaned forward. “Wonwoo, I’m going to tell you what we do here at Zelda Fitzgerald.” 

Wonwoo couldn’t help but lean forward himself. 

“We don’t ‘cure’ people here,” Wonwoo felt his heart drop. Then what was the point? “We make it so that you can cope and understand what you are feeling and thinking. There is no ‘normal’, there is no template that you’re supposed to fit in. That’s not how human beings work. We want all of our patients to leave with a new outlook on themselves and who they are, not as some cookie cutter version of who they want to be.” 

Wonwoo swallowed and rubbed at his bandage on his right arm. That whole prospect sounded terrifying and arduous. How could he be a better version of who he was, when he couldn’t think of a single good thing about himself? All Wonwoo could do was nod. He was never going to get out of here if that was what they were trying to do. 

Jin smiled at him, though it looked a little sad. “Alright… I will be seeing you once a week, and you’ll be seeing Dr. Jihoon twice a week. You have group therapy with patients that have along the same lines of what you have three times a week. You might be moved to a new group upon your diagnosis-”

“I have been diagnosed,” Wonwoo interrupted. Jin shook his head.

“Not by me,” Jin stood and grabbed a sheet of paper from the desk, as well as a small case. He handed it to Wonwoo. It was his schedule. “As I was saying, you’ll be placed with a new group upon diagnosis, and I have granted you permission to have certain personal belongings in your room. Your glasses can be worn in your room, but please abstain from wearing them elsewhere. If you get cold, you can ask the nurses for a blanket, and your room has a personal heater.” 

“I can’t have long sleeves or hoodies?” 

Jin nodded, “Or long pants.” His eyes flashed to Wonwoo’s neck. “Have you seen your arms yet?” 

Wonwoo swallowed and shook his head. “I didn’t look when they were changing them.” 

Jin sighed and opened the case he had brought over. “I’m going to take the bandages off, and I will be putting on regular bandaids, so we will be going through this together.”

Wonwoo thought his chest was going to burst, but he tried to lie through his teeth. “It’s not like I haven’t seen this before. It’s not my first time I’ve tried to kill myself.” 

Jin hummed non committedly, “It’s your first time trying it  _ this  _ way.”

Wonwoo met the doctor’s eyes. “Is there a difference?” 

The doctor only held his palm out for Wonwoo’s wrist. Wonwoo felt cold all of the sudden, and he could practically feel his blood draining from his face. Wonwoo couldn’t do this. He had to look in the faces of so many people as they helped him through whatever method he chose. The stomach pumping was the worst. But he hadn’t really ever had to face it himself. He usually just started on his ‘journey to wellness’ without much preamble. His mouth felt dry and his skin tingled. “Please don’t…” he mumbled. Please don’t what? Take the bandages off? They couldn’t stay on forever. Nonono. Please don’t… judge him? Oh God… Wonwoo didn’t want this man to judge him. He was so bad at everything in his life, and he couldn't even off himself properly. It was like another force, another body lifted his arm and placed it into Jin’s hand. He was shaking. How pitiful. He couldn’t even get the bandages taken off without freaking out. “I don’t…please…” Jin’s hands were warm. How weird for a doctor. Everything went still when Wonwoo heard the snip of the scissors. He didn’t feel the slide of the cloth or the pull of the tape. His whole body felt numb, and he felt like he was looking at it from far away. He looked at his wrist from behind Jin’s shoulder, not sitting in front of him, and suddenly he was snapped back into his own body as a heavy breath left his chest, like he had been punched in the gut. “Oh.”

A thin, red line stitched together with black thread. A bumpy, vertical line right in the middle of his wrist. That’s all it was. That’s all it was? 

The first sob left him before he was ready, and the next came right behind it. He covered his mouth with his other hand and his body crumpled in on itself. He felt his heart in his throat and he felt like he was dying. This time though, it was painful and he couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t even remember doing this to himself, and this was all that it was? That’s all it took, and he couldn’t even do it right?

Before he even knew it, he was bent over his legs, his head in between his knees as Jin rubbed his back. He thought he heard someone yelling and he couldn’t figure out why his throat was aching. He was suffocating. He was suffocating. He was suffocating. He was suffocating. 

He didn’t know how long he sat like that. It was probably only a few minutes, but it felt like hours. Hours and hours of agonizing suffocation. 

He didn’t notice when Jin clipped off the other bandage, and he didn’t notice when breathing became easier. The room stopped caving in around him, and he suddenly realized that his heart had gone back into his chest instead of being lodged in his throat. 

“Okay… okay… take deep breaths for me Wonwoo.” Wonwoo heard Jin giving him instructions and he could feel him breathing in deep breaths, in and out. In and out. In and out. He could do that. Slowly, so slowly, he brought himself back. In and out. 

He managed to sit himself up, and he mustered the courage to look at his wrist. It didn’t seem like such a big deal anymore. It would match the rest. He hiccuped and wiped his eyes. “O-Okay... “ 

Jin tightened his grip on Wonwoo’s hand. “Okay?” 

Wonwoo looked at Jin. “Okay.” 

Jin breathed out in something like relief and pulled out a regular looking bandage and some topical ointment. He snapped a glove onto his hand and started to spread the ointment on both of Wonwoo’s wounds. They didn’t hurt perse, but there was a dull sort of ache in them. Once Jin was done with that he put the bandaids on. Unfortunately, these turned out to be the clear, waterproof kind. Wonwoo swallowed and grit his teeth. He would have to get used to it anyway he guessed. Jin pulled back and slid the glove off. “You are going to get the stitches taken out in a few days, and then the bandages will be completely removed after they have completely healed.”

Wonwoo nodded and stood when Jin did. “Joshua is going to show you where everyone else is right now. It’s movie night, and I think they are watching The Polar Express.” Wonwoo nodded and stumbled to the door as it opened up. Joshua gave him a solemn nod, and Wonwoo was just surprised that he wasn’t smiling. He let the nurse touch his back as he was led from the room. He didn’t pay much attention as they walked down another hallway. This one was one of the carpeted ones. It wasn’t that cheap, thin carpet either, but a luxurious red and plush kind. This hallway didn’t have many rooms along it, and it was pretty short. It opened up to a bright room filled with people. As far as a congregational place for the patients, it wasn’t bad. He barely registered Joshua speaking to him.

“This is the family room for patients from twenty to thirty. You can sit wherever you want.” 

The walls of the room were covered in what looked like bedsheets. They were pinned to the walls, the middle of them drooping and swooping into the next. The floor was covered in the same carpet that covered the hallway, and there were plenty of seats. Four plush, squishy looking couches sat in a loose circle around a decently sized flatscreen television. Love sacks and bean bag chairs sat in the center of that circle. Behind the couches were tables and comfortable looking chairs. The tables were stuffed full of magazines or blocks or coloring pages. On the farthest wall from Wonwoo stood three towering bookshelves crammed full of worn looking novels and more magazines. Wonwoo made a sour face when he saw the thin man with the withdrawal symptoms sitting at one of the tables next to the bookshelves. 

It was almost like the man knew he was being stared at because he looked up and straight to Wonwoo. His hands were still rather unsteady, but that didn’t stop him from smirking and waving at Wonwoo from across the room. Wonwoo looked away. Why was this guy allowed to wear cardigans and sweat pants when he was one hundred percent a criminal? Wonwoo blinked. Maybe those two things didn’t really coincide. 

“Oh my God, they set you free!” 

Wonwoo once again snapped to attention. Walking towards him from one of the back rooms was Taeyong. His face was still a little bit bruised, but he looked like he was feeling better. His wavy blond hair was pushed back out of his face with a soft headband, and he was wearing a neon yellow t- shirt and orange sweats. Wonwoo didn’t really realize it, but his eyes were glued to Taeyong’s feet. 

“Ah, part of the red club too I see,” Taeyong said, wiggling his feet. Wonwoo nodded and shifted a little. “I’ll take him from here Shua. You know the rules!” 

Joshua put his hands up in mock surrender and backed away. Taeyong unabashedly thread his fingers through Wonwoo’s and tugged him towards the couches in the center of the room. “What are the rules?” Wonwoo asked. His throat was all scratchy and used up. 

Taeyong didn’t seem to notice as he pulled Wonwoo to a fully packed couch. As the short man approached, all of the people that were on that couch got up and moved. Taeyong pointed at a spot for Wonwoo to sit. It was on the outside of the couch, near the armrest. Wonwoo plopped down, his legs wobbly and tired. Taeyong sat right next to him, their thighs touching. The spots next to Taeyong stayed empty somehow, even though all the couches were filled to the max. Taeyong laughed and shoved his arm under Wonwoo’s. “The rules state that nurses aren’t allowed to be in the couch circle unless it’s an emergency. And if they want to watch the movie, they have to watch it from behind the nurses counter,” Taeyong threw his thumb behind him, where a glass room with a little window opening over a small counter sat. “Otherwise, they have to be in the book corner or the activities area.” The small man gestured to both places respectively. 

“And they allow that?” Wonwoo asked, rather impressed. Everywhere else he had been, the nurses would lift their noses at anyone, especially a patient, telling them what to do. 

Taeyong snorted, “Allowed it? Jooheon came up with it!” 

Wonwoo vaguely recalled that Jooheon was one of the nurses here. In charge of the blue people. Wonwoo couldn’t help but begin to glance at peoples’ feet. Only seven or eight people in the room had blue socks. Ten of them had green. A majority of them had orange. And he could only see that him, Taeyong, and this one other guy on the couch opposite of them with peach colored hair had red ones. He couldn’t see the skinny guys socks. “You know what the socks mean, right?” 

Wonwoo felt weary as he raised his eyebrow, “Joshua said that it was for the nurses to be able to tell who their patients are easier.” 

Taeyong rolled his eyes. They were really big. “And I’m sure he told you that there are three people for the reds because Jun is in training?” 

Wonwoo swallowed, “Is that not true?” 

“I mean,” Taeyong waved his hand in the air, “It is true that it’s easier, but they have another meaning too.” Taeyong pointed to someone with blue socks. “Blue means that you are close to leaving this place.” His finger drifted to a green wearer. “Green means that you got some work to do, but you’re almost there.” To an orange. “You just got here and you need some treatment, but it’ll probably only be a few months, and you might need to have more of an eye on you.” 

Taeyong looked to Wonwoo and smiled. “What about red?” 

“Flight risk.” 

The couch dipped and Wonwoo fought the overwhelming urge to roll his eyes. He remembered that voice. Taeyong also didn’t seem to be very fond of the man, and he glared at the newcomer. “Why don’t you go and fuck off Hyungwon, no one asked you.” Taeyong growled, crossing his arms. 

The skinny man, Hyungwon, had sat himself down at the other edge of the couch, as far away from Taeyong as he could. He was trembling, but nothing as bad as he was before. “I mean, it’s true isn’t it?” He wiggled his feet, and Wonwoo was somewhat dismayed to see that he was also wearing red socks. “Us red sock peoples are the ones that are going to be here forever and ever, because if they let us out, we’ll be another part of that nasty statistic,” he glanced down to Wonwoo’s arms, “I’m sure you’ve heard of it.” Wonwoo grit his teeth. Hyungwon shrugged and threw his hands in the air. “So, yes, us red sockers are the flight risk, the ones that will do anything to prove them right and off ourselves, or go back to a life of crime.” 

“A life of crime?” Taeyong snorted, “All you did was strip naked and walk into a store.” 

Hyungwon swept a shaky hand through his overgrown hair. “And yet, here I am, red socked and with a court order.” His gaze lingered on Taeyong. “And what have you done,” and then he looked down and smirked, “Oh wait… Nothing, considering you’ve been here since you were fifteen with no hopes of recovery. They might as well just give you black socks, but for some reason Jin still has hope for you.” 

Wonwoo blinked and looked back to Taeyong. His big eyes were starting to gloss over, and Wonwoo unconsciously squeezed his arm tighter. “At least I don’t cry like a little fucking bitch when I’m touched by a nurse.” 

Hyungwon snapped his mouth shut. He glared at Taeyong. “At least I can fight someone off when they touch me.” 

Taeyong tried to stand, but suddenly someone else was there, pulling Taeyong back into his seat, which turned into this person’s lap. Wonwoo noticed blearily that he was wearing blue socks. He felt really out of sorts, and so tired. 

“I really wish that you two would stop arguing,” The person sighed. He was downright gorgeous, with pale, perfect skin and shiny brown hair. Taeyong squirmed from his new seat. 

“Lemme go Jaehyun, I’m gonna go poke him so that he’ll cry.” 

All Hyungwon did was stick his tongue out, though he did scoot further away from Taeyong. After the two of them just settled on glaring at each other, Jaehyung turned towards Wonwoo. He stuck his hand out. “Hi, I’m Jaehyun.”

“Wonwoo,” Wonwoo mumbled and he shook the other’s hand. A sliver of silvery skin on Jaehyun’s wrist caught Wonwoo’s eye and he swallowed. He tried to drop Jaehyun’s hand, but the other held on tight for a moment until Wonwoo looked in his eyes. 

“Nice to meet you Wonwoo.” Wonwoo held the others’ gaze for a long while until the lights abruptly dimmed. 

“Do we have to watch The Polar Express?” Hyungwon complained loudly. 

Taeyong slid himself off of Jaehyun’s lap until he was wedged between Wonwoo and Jaehyun. He put his head on Wonwoo’s shoulder. “Once again Hyungwon, you’re welcome to fuck right off.” 

Hyungwon crossed his arms and settled further into his seat. “Well now I have to stay just to spite you.” 

Taeyong rolled his eyes. “Like I care either way.” 

Thankfully, both of them quieted down by the time the movie began in earnest. Wonwoo found that he was actually rather sleepy. He was warm despite the fact that he was the only one in the room wearing shorts, and the couch was really comfortable. He actually loved physical contact, and after not having any for nearly two weeks, having Taeyong pressed against him made him feel all fuzzy. He felt Taeyong take his hand and he closed his eyes. 

He made it to the hot chocolate scene when his cheek pressed to the top of Taeyong’s head, and he fell into a dreamless sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think!


End file.
